Archive | August 2013

Peace in my Heart

1Wrath: “What do you tell a cow holding up a line?!”

Cowplant: “Uh… I guess you tell it to moooove?”

Wrath: “No, you tell it it’s in a slaughter house!  Why else would a cow stand in line?!  Woo!”

Last chapter: THINGS.  I can’t really remember everything that happened other than Anger’s date with his own Aunt.  Which is strange, considering consecutively, I just wrote the last chapter hardly an hour ago.  Even though it wasn’t posted an hour after the last chapter.  Some sort of space time continuum stuff going down on my end I guess.

2Anger: “OH NO I’M STILL ON THE DATE WITH MY AUNT, AAAAAAAH”

Felisha: “Calm your shit, kid.  It’s not that big of a deal.”

3Anger: “I’m the type of brony that puts pony comments on youtube videos that have nothing to do with ponies, for no other reason other than to start shit.”

Felisha: “Wow, you really are your mother’s child after all.  You are the evilest one in that house as far as I’m concerned, for reals.”

4Apparently eldest Edgardo child, Everett, is currently dating Jada, whom I already have an eye on for next generation.  It’s not looking like a solid relationship either.

That’s alright.  It’s not like it’s going to last very long anyway.

5Jealousy: “Why the hell am I suddenly here.”

That’s a good question I would like you to answer for me, Jealousy. I was busy watching Happiness go through his 233343927837832nd sing-a-gram when I saw her icon moving really fast over the top of my screen.  When I went to check up on her and she was here.

Jealousy: “Do I want to sell all of Edgardo’s old broken bullshit or something?”

6Jealousy: “No, I’m apparently on a date, what is this shit, and why the hell do all the scientists in this town wear psychedelic lab coats for some reason?  First Gary and now you, Scott?”

Scott: “Please ignore my work clothes, Jealousy, I wanted to see you.  Heard you lost your husband, and wanted to say, that for a long time, I have loved you from afar.  I love you, Jealousy.”

Jealousy: “And I love blue.  Which I think that gem over there in the field is.  That’s more important right now.  Gotta go check and see if that shit is a sapphire or something.  Later, loser.”

7Happiness: “Must think of waterfalls, rushing down the mountains, flowing waters, purple majesty, amber waves of grain…”

I return to Happiness pissing.  Marlena could learn a thing or two probably.

8Happiness: “This isn’t fair!  I wanted to take a sponge bath in the girls bathroom but they won’t let me in the girls bathroom!  This is discrimination!”

No, that’s trauma prevention.  If you really have to sponge bathe, go do it in the boys bathroom, like you’re supposed to.

Or rather, don’t sponge bathe in public.  You’re not an unprivileged hobo, Happiness.

9Happiness: “This is so awkward.  At least in the girl’s bathroom, if a woman were to come in, it would just scare her off, or awkwardly turn into a stereotypically weird rom-com situation.  Here in the man’s bathroom, if a man walked in, it would just be awkward.”

What if it turned into a weird rom-com too?

Happiness: “It would still be extremely awkward.”

10Bear: “I AM HERE, HAPPINESS’ BIGGEST FAN AND I AM OOZING WITH JOY TO SEE HIS SHOW TONIGHT”

11Happiness: “Ah, slowing building the audience back up, ok good, maybe if I do good tonight, they’ll finally let me perform in the night club.  Or let me in the night club altogether.  Sponge bathing in the bathroom wasn’t the best idea after all.”

Letitia: *Is murdered by sudden spear of ice through the skull*

12Happiness: “Look!  I’m trying to do a show here!  Get off the stage and stop putting me back!  Gosh!”

Who are you yelling at?

13Mephistopheles?!  What the crap are you doing all the way here?!

Happiness: “Better yet, why are you on my stage!  I got a show to do!  Move cat!  Go home for pete’s sake!”

14YOU CAME ALL THE WAY HERE

ALL THE WAY TO THE KARAOKE BAR

JUST TO INVESTIGATE HAPPINESS LIKE HE’S A STRANGE SIM

YOU STUPID CAT

15Happiness: “I’m sorry folks, the show has to be postponed for a few moments, because our family cat has apparently followed me all the way from home.  I hate to do this, but I can’t focus with him here right now, so I’ll have to move him before I start singing.”

Mephistopheles: “I’m pretty sure this guy is a vampire, guys.”

16Happiness: “MEPHISTOPHELES.  FOR THE SECOND TIME, GO HOME!”

Mephistopheles: “I’m getting sleepy, Happiness.  Can you read me a bedtime story?”

Happiness: “CATS DON’T NEED BEDTIME STORIES!”

17Happiness: “Please excuse my fustration everyone.  The cat is stubborn, and I do not promote yelling at your pets.  Never ever.  I’m against animal abuse of all kinds.  I’m the Sarah McLachlan of vampires, I swear.”

Mephistopheles: *Scrunches up to take a dump on stage*

18Happiness: “WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME, I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS”

Mephistopheles: “Sorry, I had a big lunch.”

Whatever they are doing on stage, they are doing it right.  The audience seems to be eating it up.

19Mephistopheles: “Fine, I’m out of the way.  Do your thing already and let’s go home.  Hmm.  I wonder if that sim is some sort of mutant butterfly.  I bet I could kill that one just as easily as I can kill the regular ones.”

20Happiness: “CAT, WILL YOU SHUT UP ALREADY BACK THERE”

Turns out, that show actually got a really good review.  I suppose the audience enjoyed human-on-cat slapstick humor or something.”

21Happiness: “I guess I have you to thank for the good reviews Mephistopheles.  I guess it’s true, everyone loves cats.  Let’s go home, buddy.   See you later, Bear.  Hope you can come to my next show, and thanks for solidifying into an actual dog for the show.”

Bear: “No problemo.” *Spins ears really fast and takes off for home like a helicopter*

22Jealousy: “I would like for you to have these flowers.  You look good enough for me to spend $40 on overpriced flowers.  Appreciate them.”

Drew: “I do think these flowers are fantastic, Jealousy.  But don’t you need to be concerned about your cousin’s wife in labor over there?  She’s kinda screaming in pain and breaking water all over your kitchen floor.”

Jealousy: “Don’t worry about her, I’ll kill her later for ruining the floor.  Just for now, appreciate my flowers.  Do it.”

23Happiness came home in time to take Marlena to the hospital for the birth of their last child as far as I’m concerned, and this is baby Peace, their first son (in a sea of estrogen, I’m sure it’s a sight for sore eyes of Happiness).  Peace is a loner and he is a genius.  He might like meditation or yoga or something.  His favorites include songwriter music like daddy, dim sum, and green like his sister Charity, which is perfect, because he’s gonna be stuck sharing a room with her anyway.

And it seems that I like to type out his name as Pease at first.  This is going to be a long portion of the legacy, I can already see this.

24Loyalty: “I declare this royal court open, as we welcome the newest prince of peace into our little family.  He is quite literally, the Prince of Peace.  the Peace Prince.  Prince.  I love that guy’s music.  Daddy should sing his songs in his shows more often.”

25Happiness: “No one else in the family may like you because you are your mother’s little look-a-like, but you are my special little princess, and daddy does love you, Loyalty!”

Loyalty: “Aw, daddy!  You’re embarrassing me in front of the court!”

26Happiness: “But aren’t I your court?  You could never embarrass me sweetheart, you’re my baby girl!”

Loyalty: “Yay, daddy made the narrator cry!”

HE DID NOT, I JUST HAVE A FACE FULL OF SALTY WATER

WHO SPIT ON ME

27Anger: “We are about to stuff ourselves on four cakes, Wrath.  Do you think that eating macaroni and cheese is a good idea right now?”

Wrath: “Hey Anger.  What does this bowl and your pants have in common?  They both have tiny noodles.  Now get out of my face.  I want to eat, then I’m going to eat.  Go cry or something.”

28A four way birthday, and first up is Wrath.

Betel: “Gonna watch the mass caking?  I’m not.  I never do.  I’m not paid to care.”

Happiness: “Neither am I, small world.”

29Anger: “I’ll care, even though that joke about my noodle hurt my feelings.  I’m actually really torn up about that.”

Wrath: “Good, as long as your self esteem is destroyed, I can die happy.”

30Wrath: “Check it out!  I didn’t die!  I shed my old skin flawlessly and didn’t choke on it or get stuck in my old exoskeleton!  Whew, that was a close call too!”

Wrath grew up in her bathing suit, and is now unlucky.  Which might actually be a pretty lucky trait.  Since she’s going to be instant heiress anyway, now I don’t have to worry about accidental deaths screwing anything up with her.

31Loyalty: “I should have confided with the royal court on what I should wish for growing up.”

Wrath: “Hey what do vampire babies and goldfish have in common?  They both die when I leave them to flop around on the sidewalk in the sun.  It might happen, Loyalty.  Because no one cares about your wishes.”

32Charity: “INTERRUPTION TIME!  I STINKY POO POOP!  WAAAAAAAAAAH”

Betel: “Yep.  This kid is screaming.  Not sure why.  Not going to do anything about it.  Such is the life of a bone maid.”

At least get out of the way and let Happiness take her, Betel, you are so useless today.

33Marlena: “Yay, my daughter is actually pretty cool!  And she doesn’t suck like her mother as much!  And she can’t stand art to boot!  Which is fine, we don’t have a lot of art to get angry at anyway!”

34Happiness: “Next is you, little Charity.  I’m sorry I wasn’t really there for you in your toddlerhood, but I think you’ll be fine anyway.”

Jealousy: “Hey Happiness.  Everyone stopped caring, in case you haven’t noticed.”

Loyalty: “She does have a point, daddy.”

Happiness: “Look at the look on my face.   Do you think I care either, really?  Really.”

35Face clone of Loyalty, without the vampirism.  Heavy sleeper.  Moving on.

36Marlena: “They have birthdays, they get to stay out of school for the day!  But not you!  Why are you still here?!  Classes started an hour ago, and you are late!  Go to time out, and don’t come out until you are sorry for playing hooky like this, Anger!”

Jealousy: “I sense someone trying to raise my children without my consent.  About to beat a bitch down over here.”

37Anger: “You aren’t my mother!”

Marlena: “Yeah well I’m the authority, and you are about to be grounded on top of that so go to the corner, chop chop!”

38Jealousy: “You listen and you listen good, bitch!  You do NOT raise your voice at my children, and you do NOT tell them how to behave, you hear me?!  Anger is my kid, and I will punish him for cutting class when I’m good and damn ready to!  Don’t you DARE even THINK about talking to my son that way, or I’ll make sure you take a nice long dirt nap!  Don’t test me, Marlena.  I killed a man before.”

39Marlena: “Yeah yeah.  Whatever, Jealousy, when you’re done playing Family Matriarch Slave Driver, I’ll be the one raising the children.  Ok, good, have a good day, ma’am.”

Jealousy: “Oh, you REALLY want to test me?!  You REALLY WANT TO DO THAT, MARLENA?!  YOU, raise the children?  That’s a fucking laugh, because the last time I checked I took care of my toddlers, instead of pissing all over their nursery rooms the majority of their lives!  You are about to get your shit broke, and that’s not a joke.  Try me again, Marlena.  Go on.  I will kill you.”

Anger: *sniff, cry* I miss my daddy and grandmommy…”

40Marlena: “Yeah, you go eat some cake.  Calm yourself down.  Humph.  Empty threats will get you nothing but sent to the nut house, that’s for sure.”

Jealousy: “Bitch better be grateful I’m such a cakeaholic.  I wanna cut someone.  And not just this cake.”

Anger: “Why does my life suck so much?”

41Happiness: “Time for the last birthday!  It’s the birthday boy, Peace!  Everyone, time for our littlest one to grow!”

Everyone: *Suddenly cares about birthdays again*

Charity: “Oh what is this shitake”

Peace’s birthday is technically a day early, but I can’t deal.  I’m too anxious, and must know if he’s a clone or not.  If he is, whatever, he’s the last child, like I said.  We’ll just pick from what we’ve got and move on.  I’m fine.  But I must.  KNOW.

42Happiness: “Alright Peace, all the attention is on you.  All our hopes and dreams.  We’re counting on you kid.  If you screw up it’s ok.  We’ll still love you and care for you.  I think.”

All the women: *Nervous horn blowing*

Peace: *Sweats frantically*

Me: *Sweats frantically*

Anger: *Claps nervously*

Betel: *No shits*

Ophaniel: *What*

43Did not expect the blonde baby.  In a family full of black haired children in every nook and cranny, this is actually a sight for sore eyes.

But when I first saw Peace, I got angry.  I had to get up and get away from my computer, because I was very sure that he was another fucking Marlena clone.

But to make 100% sure, I compared him to his father’s baby photo.

44AND LO AND BEHOLD: IT’S DIVERSITY!

Peace has a lot of his mother’s looks but he has his father’s nose!  IT’S A MIX

I CAN’T

IT WAS ALMOST TWO IN THE MORNING WHEN THIS HAPPENED

DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITED I WAS ABOUT A PIXELATED CHARACTER’S NOSE?

I HAVE A PROBLEM

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The Pity Date

1Anger: “Daddy why, I’m not ready to move on without a father figure in my life, I just got over grandmother 😦 and now this, why did you have to become a volunteer astronaut and get launched on a no-return mission to Mars?!”

Wrath: “A great man he was.  Before he was sacrificed to the volcano gods of a tribe in the jungle where he was doing missionary work for, I remember he had sent me a letter, telling me how proud he was of me, and if he never returned, that I should take over as the man of the house for him, and murder my enemies in the name of my father.”

LAST CHAPTER

Edgardo finally died in his chamber under the house.  Everyone is suddenly sad.  Also, Brave had a birthday, and Charity had a birthday.  Also, Charity revealed to the world that she is another clone of her mother.  I have become extremely angry at my sims.  For shit’s sake.  Last generation all the kids had a mix of genes.  This generation has seen only one genetic mix out of a herd of five kids.  That’s FOUR clones.

That being said, I have thought about it, and I think I’m going to bar clones from heirship from now on except under extreme emergencies.  How would everyone feel about that?  Anyone got anything to say about that?  Because I am furious.

2Betel: “And I am ecstatic!  A death in the family!  Everyone is going to be so upset that they won’t notice that I stopped doing work around the house!”

Toilet: *Suffers*

Jealousy: “I will forever remember your loving embrace, Edgardo.  My love.  My first wonderful husband.  Ok, enough grieving.” *Moodlet Manages her mourning to death*

3Marlena: “Oh Edgardo!  I miss you so much that my body has stopped working.”

Loyalty: “I think that that’s probably you just not wanting to go in the bathroom.  Maybe that’s just me thinking out loud or something.”

No Marlena, that’s NOT THE PROPER WAY TO GRIEVE

I’M STARTING TO REALLY REGRET YOU

4Drew: “I already here”

Ophaniel: “Who be you”

See, look.  Jealousy’s already moving on.

5Jealousy: “Welcome to my humble abode!  We’re still adjusting to our loss, but I feel so much better now that you are here, Drew.  I also feel better now that I evaporated all my bad moodlets out of my panel, but I’ll give you credit for making my day so much better.”

Drew: “I tend to bring that level of serenity where ever I go.  I am an amazing man.”

Jealousy: “That you are.”

6WHOA JEALOUSY, SLOW YOUR ASS DOWN

You’re still just FRIENDS with this man right now!

Jealousy: “I don’t have time to beat around the bush.  If this man has a dollar on him, I got to weed it off of him before it’s too late.”

Drew: “God I’m so broke, honestly.”

7Anger: “You aren’t my father.”

Drew: “I don’t want to be your father.  If I have to be your friend, sure.  But yeah, don’t ever even think about me as a dad.  Call me Drew.”

8Jealousy: “Say a damn thing that will ruin this for me, and say goodbye to living with us forever.  You can go live in the dump yard across the street.”

Anger: “This is bull.”

9Happiness: “Being my favorite, don’t tell the other girls, haha, I only want the best for my Brave.”

Yeah I’ll second this.  She doesn’t do anything around the house anyway, so it’ll be nice to have one less kid in the house to have to care for at the moment.

10Happiness: “Yes, I would love to enroll my daughter in your wonderful school, all while ignoring my youngest toddler passed out on the floor.  She is literally growing up in that one spot on the floor, and I find that funny.”

11But first, prom, as that was the whole reason I let her grow up early.

Brave: “I’m so gracious to get to go to the prom with my favorite cousin, Anger!  Oh this is going to be such a treat!”

Anger: “I knew I should have gotten lost on my way out of the bathroom and stayed to cry about my father tonight.”

11Brave: “Well I gave it a shot.  Can’t say I didn’t try.  Not sure why everything thinks that’s funny though.  Sticks and stones, people.”

12Anger: “NOT DANCING WITH YOU”

Brave: “Oh just stop being a baby, this will be fun!  Ignore the people laughing, I don’t know what their problem is.”

13Anger: “Bitch.  Humph, whatever. …I miss my daddy.”

14

15

16These two notifications came up next to each other, and they make me think that their names were probably switched at birth.

Anger: “I’M NOT CRYING BECAUSE THAT BITCH IS A BITCH.  I JUST MISS MY FATHER.”

17

18And that was prom.

19Happiness: “WOW.  Charity that was amazing.  You moved two whole spaces to the left of the hallway.”

Betel: “I’m a proud independent dead woman who don’t need no chores!” *Stomps all over last weeks garbage*

20ALRIGHT GUYS, ONE MORE TIME

ONE MORE BABY AND I SWEAR EVEN IF IT’S A CLONE, I’M DONE

WE’LL JUST HAVE A CLONE RUN GEN THREE AND I CAN GET OVER IT

21Bed: “NO MORE TESTS, I CAN’T STAND THIS ANYMORE GLADOS, I’M BUSTING OUT”

22Evalin: “Sike, it’s me, and for the record, that Marlena woman is pregnant for a reason, and that reason ain’t Happiness.  Mama knows how to really rock a bed, if you know what I be saying here.”

Jealousy: “Mom, please leave.”

23Happiness: “It’s so nice to finally have someone in this house who knows how to play second player.  I tried with Marlena, I really did, but if she launches my robot into another pit, I was going to scream.”

Drew: “Yeah, I’m good at this game!  Friendship!”

Happiness: “By the way, where are your pants?”

Drew: “It’s best you don’t know.  I wouldn’t even ask if I were you.”

24Marlena: “Happiness!  How can you play games at a time like this?!  Our good friend Edgardo is dead somewhere probably and you don’t seem to care!”

Happiness: “Because it’s not our deal, Marlena, now GET AWAY from the tv!  I can’t see what I’m doing and I swear to Gordon Freeman if I’m standing in front of a turret…”

Drew: “Really where are my pants?  I think that Anger boy might have stolen them from the bedroom floor and thrown them away, that little brat…”

25Marlena: “Indecent!  Do you really go up in other people’s houses and go around half nude around their families!  That’s disgraceful and I won’t take that kind of behavior around my children!”

Drew: “Yeah well you’re just a selfish old bitch now aren’t yo-”

Loyalty: “GWAAAAAAAAH EDGARDO IS DEAD NEW GUY, DID YOU KNOW EDGARDO IS DEAD, DID YOU KNOW, KNOW IT

Happiness: “No, this is fine, GLadOS was saying my robot was doing the better job anyway.”

26Marlena: “YOU DISGUST ME AND I HOPE YOU LEAVE SOON and at the same time I’m developing a crush on you, curse your handsomeness.”

Drew: “Whoa lady, what the shit?”

Loyalty: “Ew just get married and get it over with already you two.”

Ophaniel probably: “But isn’t your dad still in the room?  Ok maybe he’s not paying attention, nevermind.”

27Brave was gone off to boarding school fresh and early in the morning, and with that, I wish her luck.  Make us proud, kid.

28Jealousy: “I’m so sorry my cousin’s bitch gave you such a hard time about your clothing, love.  Sometimes she gets lost on her way to the bathroom and takes it out on innocent people like you.”

Loyalty: “EDGARDO WAS INNOCENT, HE WAS INNOCENT SOUL, AND NOW WE CAN’T FIND HIM”

Jealousy: “I’m also sorry her brat has been screaming in your ear about a trauma that doesn’t really involve her.  Embarassing, I know, I do apologize.”

29Ah!  Well that came out of no where.

30Anger: “What is this?  Some sort of joke?!  What woman wants to go out with me?!  Some bastard from school has to be playing a prank on me!  And I’m going to set them on fire when I find out who.”

Aw come on, Anger.  It might be fun.  Might make you stop sucking so much.  Go on the date, might be something interesting.

Anger: “And be humiliated when the school’s quarterback is just setting me up for a trap, no thanks, I’m not even going to bother.”

It’s a date or a night taking care of Charity and her crap.

31Anger: *Super duper quick clothing change* “Alright, going out on a date for the next 5 hours.  You’re on your own kid.”

Charity: “Diaper poopy!  BOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOO!!”

Anger: “Whew, dodged a bullet there.”

32Anger: “Wow, it really is a chick!  And she’s filled out as hell!  DAMN!  I’m gonna get all up in that tonight!”

I think someone’s trying to cougar her way into a teenager’s pants.  Of course I don’t have that modded in my system, so it looks like this date’s going to be stuck as a regular old “hang out”.

33Felisha: “Wow.  No really, wow.  Did he really wear groucho glasses on this date or what?  Who does that?!”

34Felisha: “No wait, oh my God.  That’s his actual face.  This poor poor child.”

OH, I never noticed it until she thought of it in front of him, but holy shit.  Poor Anger really does look like he’s wearing groucho glasses.  I didn’t even intend for that to happen.

35Felisha: “(No I got to stop staring at them, it’ll make him self conscious, I’m sure of it!  Ask him about his day, ask him about his life or something, Felisha!) It’s a nose night out tonight, right (SHIT)”

Anger: “Uh, yeah I guess?”

36Felisha ran away the second he started bawling for his father.

Anger: “MY DAD IS GONE, AND MY MOM IS CRAZY, AND DREW IS A DICK, AND IT’S NOT A NICE NIGHT, AND MY LIFE IS A WRECK, AND I STILL MISS GRANDMOTHER SOOOOOOOOB”

37Anger: “Must bounce back from this date!  I’m gonna do better, I promise!  Bitches like it when you point out how fat they are right?!  It means I’m paying attention!  I’m gonna do that right now!”

Yeah, that’ll make this date much better.

38Anger: “Getting a little fluffy there, ain’t you?!  If you really want to go on a date with me, you should work that tub off, Felisha!”

Felisha: “Wow, I didn’t know you were even paying attention!  You are so right, and I should get back into shape right away!  Thanks for caring, Anger!”

Gary: “Are you kidding me, did that really work?”

39During the confrontation, I found out that Anger is on a date with his AUNT.  Oh yeah.  That’ll make this date even better, I’m sure.

41I nosied around, and that’s how I found out that Edgardo had three other siblings.  Also Felisha is just married into the family as an aunt.  So it’s not AS BAD of a deal.  Barely.

42Gary: “What the hell is wrong with you?  Taking your nephew out on a date?! Are you mad?”

Felisha: “Look Gary, I’m just taking him out because I heard he’s having a bad time about accepting that his missing father isn’t coming back.  I’m just trying to show him a good time and help him out in his time of need, I’m not trying to “start some relationship” with my husband’s brother’s kid.  It’s just a pity date, that’s all.”

Anger: “YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL EVERYONE THAT RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, THAT STILL HURTS”

43Happiness was somewhere nearby so that Anger could have his date without the psychic curfew police coming around screwing shit up, and after the date fell through, Happiness jumped in to help console the emotionally destroyed Anger.

Happiness: “We are family/ I take care of everyone like they’re my own babies~”

Anger: “We are family/ Marlena’s probably sitting in her own pee~”

44The night ended with Happiness eating Felisha’s arm off by accident and Anger was bored enough to read a book on logic.

Anger: “I’m more at peace now about the absence of my father.  I suppose I’m about ready to accept it and move on.  Maybe life isn’t that bad, even though I had I hang out with my dorky uncle who bit my date, who turned out to be my aunt.  But yeah.  I think life’s gonna be ok.”

The Cask of Amarillo: Part Two

1Edgardo: “So, uh, it’s been a while.  Haven’t heard anything up there in a few hours.  Maybe a few days, I don’t know, I’ve lost all track of time down here.  Starting to worry a little too.  What if my wife failed to lead that vampire down here?  What if he was on to us?!  What if he killed my wife, or worse, what if he’s already gone and killed everyone?!  Including my children?  I don’t like not knowing!  What could that bastard be doing to everyone up there?!”

2Jealousy: “Hah!  Paper beats rock, Happiness!  That was the best two out of three, and I had all three!  You have to change your own kid’s diaper today, loser!”

Happiness: “What?!  That’s not fair!  Well, it’s totally fair, but I thought with my mind reading powers, I would have at least had an advantage!”

Mephistopheles: “Happiness, you can’t even burn in the sunlight correctly as a vampire, much less be any kind of useful with your other vampire powers.”

3Ok so last chapter Jealousy tricked her husband Edgardo into being locked up in a vault in the backyard by telling him about a plot to murder Happiness.  Edgardo happily fell for it, and is currently still in the backyard with the gravestones and garden, a very well placed area for the vault, quiet and undisturbed.

I like to think that Jealousy told the family that Edgardo finally hit it big with the band and went on a road trip, and the building in the backyard was just a pump house and a garden shed.  Nothing important, nothing to worry about.

4Jealousy: “YOU WENT FROM AN A TO A D IN ONE DAY, ANGER?!  YOU LITTLE SHIT, I DIDN’T RAISE AN INCOMPETENT MORON IN THIS HOUSE YOU KNOW! HOW THE FUCK DO YOU FAIL SO HARD?!”

Anger: “It’s not me!  I swear it’s the school system!  Actually I know that, for a fact, it is literally the school system.”

And I hate that system.  It takes 444 weeks to get on the honor roll, but one day of hooky to turn into a failing delinquent of society?  Yeah, that completely sounds about right.

Jealousy: “YOU JUST WAIT UNTIL YOUR FATHER COMES HOME FROM WHATEVER OIL RIG HE’S WORKING ON RIGHT NOW”

Anger: “I thought it was with the band in Illin-”

Jealousy: “AND YOU’RE GROUNDED FOR A FORTNIGHT”

5Anger: “If grandmother was here, this wouldn’t be happening.”

If your grandmother was here, she’d be pissing herself in her bedroom as usual.  So get over it, dude.

6Betel: “Welp, I was going to mop that, but seeing as Ophaniel won’t get out of the way, I guess I’ll just leave it here.  We could use a swimming pool anyway around here.”

Marlena: “We aren’t going to blame this puddle on me, are we?!  We don’t even know if it’s me or not.”

It is you, Marlena.  It’s always you.

7You know what?

Why the hell not.

8Drew: “Hello, I’m Drew!  I’m glad to meet you, Mrs. Fallen!  I saw your ad in the paper advertising your deceased ex husband stuff for sale, but then I saw your picture next to it, and of all things you were selling, I had to see what you were about!  Wait, no, that sounded better in my head.  See, ha ha, I’m not “buying” you, if that’s what you think!  No, hahaha!  I don’t pay for that kind of stuff!  Wait, I’m not saying I get it for free either.  Oh, just… do you want to go to a restaurant or something now?”

9Jealousy: “I’ll ignore your idiotic blundering if you are paying.  I mean, you do have money, right?  A lot of money?  Only a rich kid like you would wear such a preppy little shirt, after all.”

Drew: “Yes, well, maybe”

10Marlena had to inturrupt by aging up into the unchanging adult stage in the bathroom, right up next to the door where I have to take the walls down to see her, in the dark shade of the full moon, with a broken leg.  Would you like to join Edgardo where he is, Marlena?

11Happiness: “WOOOOOOOW!  A full house tonight!  This is wonderful!  I know only one person is really watching me right now, and I think it’s out of pity, but I can do this!  I can woo this whole audience, and finally get a good performance review!  It’s been so long since I’ve had one!”

12Happiness: “I wonder if anyone in the audience knows the lyrics to the Harlem Shake.”

And that’s probably why he managed to get such a terrible review after all.  Woe is me.

13Edgardo: “Whoa whoa whoa!  what the hell just happened?  Where’d the staircase go?!  Why did that suddenly pull out and evaporate into thin air?!”

Because you were being a big baby about it, clogging up your way to the door, yelling constantly about it, trying to go to work or whatever.  Honey.  I hate to break it to you.  But you aren’t going to work for a long, long time.

14Drew: “I had a fabulous time with you tonight, Jealousy.  I hope we get to do this again.”

Jealousy: “Hey, after you paid for the whole evening, I hope we get to do this again soon as well.”

15Happiness, still in denial about his midlife crisis, wanted to workout until he was fatigued, so I sent him back to the gym, where in hardly half an hour, he went from no skill points, stuck in a rut, to a nice instant level four.

Happiness: “Well I would suspect so, being that I should be compensated from the time when I didn’t skill up at all!  Finally being a vampire is paying off!  Mephistopheles can sit on it!”

16Edgardo: “No ladder, no return from Jealousy, and now suddenly someone threw a tub down here with no warning?!  That could have crushed me!  Why hasn’t anyone sent for me yet?!”

Edgardo got a tub addition because he was smelling bad and wetting himself, and I know he’s being killed as we speak, but I would hate for him to have to die with stink lines around him.  Give him SOME sort of decency at least.

17Selena: “Fresh baked vampire child for sale!  A delicious new addition to your Thanksgiving table!”

Karrie: “Yo, Hannibal.  You ain’t funny.”

And neither is Loyalty.

18Jealousy: “YOU HAVEN’T MANAGED TO PULL THAT D UP IN ONE DAY?!  YOU GET THE D AND NOW YOU CAN’T GET RID OF THE D!  STOP BRINGING HOME THE D!”

It’s actually a real shame to see how low Anger brought down his good grades.

19It’s also a real shame to see this happen to you, Jealousy.

Jealousy: “NO!  This can’t be!  I had everything under control as always, I’m always on top of my game when it came to my own self control!  Bah, now I’m no better than these other imbeciles running around the house.”

20Happiness: “Wow, I can just go all day and night on this thing, huh.  Level 7 and not a single ounce of exhaustion.”

Well, I see this wish isn’t getting done any time soon.  I guess because he’s a vampire, he can’t ever get fatigued.  Unless I’m glitching.  Either way, Happiness wasn’t getting tired.

21Jealousy: “If you grow up a clone of your parents, say goodbye to any kind of love in this household, you little brat!”

As rude as that kinda is, I agree with Jealousy.  I get one more clone in this house, I am going to eat a cactus.

22Charity: *Sparkle fart*

Jealousy: “Aaaannnnnnnd, it’s a Marlena clone.  I bet this one is never going to be seen in photos ever again.”

ARE YOU KIDDING ME

THREE CLONES

TWO MARLENA CLONES

*ANGRILY FLIES OFF INTO SPACE, CRASH LANDS IN DEATH VALLEY TURNING ALL THE SAND INTO GLASS AND CRIES GROSSLY*

But in all seriousness, I did have to stop the game for a while and eat a snack out of anger.

Anger: “DON’T BE EATING THINGS OUT OF ME”

23Happiness: “I guess the reviews from last time have gone around town again…”

If you think this is bad, wait until you go home and see that your youngest child is another clone.

Happiness: “Sigh, when this day couldn’t get any worse.”

24Wrath: “What did the stormtrooper clone say to his stormtrooper clone sibling?  He said ‘you are a fucking disgrace to the family.  Way to be boring, you ass.'”

Loyalty: “Hah!  That’s pretty good!  You know some really funny jokes, Wrath!”

Wrath: “That wasn’t really a joke.  You really are a lame ass.  That vampirism isn’t going to save you.”

25Happiness: “I feel so buff, but I still feel a little crow’s foot in the corner of my left eye!  What a terrible evening this is!  But I’m not having a crisis, if that’s what you think!  No!”

In the end, I had to delete that busted moodlet out of his panel, because it was giving him a bad mood, and his crisis wish to “be fatigued” definitely wasn’t going anywhere anyway.

Happiness: “But I wasn’t having a crisis!  Never!  Not for a long long time will I ever have one!”

Either way, your busted Not-Crisis is gone.  Now how about you stop blubbering, and move on with your life already.

26Edgardo: “I’d like to move on with my life.  But I’m starting to think that I’m the only one left here.  Maybe everyone in town is dead at this point.  It’s like that episode of the Twilight Zone with the guy stuck in his bomb shelter while the town was trapped under a quarantine bubble.  I am the last of my kind.  Once I break out of here, I’m going to be like Will Smith in I Am Legend, aren’t I?”

No.  It will be nothing like that.

27Jealousy: “Bad news bears, son.  I’m afraid your father is never coming home.  I think the crabbing boat he was on in Alaska has sunk in a storm/Kajiu attack.  He’s probably dead now, so I think we all need to carry on around here, and move towards the future.  And the future starts with the insurance company.”

28Jealousy: “Hello Debra.  I’m calling today to finally cash in on my dead husband’s policy.  Yep, pretty sure this isn’t a drill today, hon.”

Anger: “Wait, dad’s not here?”

29Let’s have a quick birthday for Brave today.  Prom’s tonight, and it would be nice if she got to go before 8 PM happens.

Happiness: *Has better things to do, like breaking the front door down*

Charity: *Apparently hasn’t moved since last night*

30Liam: “What a beautiful grandchild.  At least I think she’s our grandchild.  Looks nothing like us.”

Brave: “While I know Charity exists in the corner grandpa, please.  Go back to your grave.  Stop checking up on us.  We love you.  Now go away already.”

31Edgardo: “I just thought of something!  What about my band?  What about my life as a famous future hit composer?!  Didn’t that matter to anyone?!  Please!  Someone tell me that was important to someone other than just me!”

Any second now…

32Brave is now a pretty young Happiness clone lady, with proper as her new trait, which may have effected her look, since she also picked out her own hair and clothing.  Which I think is very cute on her, so I let her keep it.  It’s rare when a sim picks their own decent hair and outfit.

Ophaniel: “Am I the only one who smells death around here?  Yeah, it’s probably just my butt smelling, but seriously, something’s smells like it’s dying…”

33Edgardo: “Organs… shutting down… My hopes!  My dreams!  My wife and children!”

34Edgardo: “IS THIS THE END OF EDGARDO VANDERBURG FALLEN?!  DO I NOT GET MY VENGEANCE!”

35*Pathetic pissy whiny noise*

RIP you poor baby.

36Death: “Oh my.  Well, it’s a lot cleaner than the toaster in the bathtub scenario I was expecting.”

If it was possible, I’m pretty sure Jealousy would have already done THAT ages ago.

37Edgardo: “Please no!  Death, I can’t die yet!  I demand vengeance!  I demand revenge on the one that has done this to me!  I still must find that vampire, and kill him, for killing my family, and inevitably, killing me!  Happiness must die!”

Edgardo: “Uh, no?  Happiness had nothing to do with your death.  This was Jealousy’s doing, you know.”

38Edgardo: “Death, what do you mean?  Jealousy was my wife, she didn’t mean for me to die, surely!”

Death: “Nooo, I’m pretty sure she’s plotted this from the beginning.  Dude, she’s been wanting you dead for ages now, in case you haven’t noticed.”

Edgardo: “What?  I don’t understand, Death.  How can this be?”

Death: “Dude, you’re valuable.  That life insurance policy is valuable.  I mean, it took longer for Jealousy to kill you off than I thought, but I expected for her to make it look like an accident.  Never in a hundred years did I expect for her to make you completely dissappear.  And right under her own house too.  How crafty.”

39Edgardo: “My… own wife.  How can this be…”

Death: “You have plenty of time to mull over the obvious signs you missed while in your grave.  Now come on, I haven’t got all day.”

40Happiness: “No!  Why do I suddenly have this heavy feeling in my heart all of a sudden?  I know Edgardo has been in prison for so long, but suddenly I miss him, and for some reason know I will never see him again!”

Wrath: “No daddy!  Please come back from your expedition in Antarctica!  I feel a sudden departure of your soul, and honestly I think that you were kicked into an icy crevasse by Emperor Leonidas, played by a penguin Gerard Butler, and really, that’s just funny as shit.”

Anger: “I’m confused as hell.”

41Jealousy: “I do miss Edgardo.  I do.  Sleeping alone is so sad.  Cry, tear, sob.”

Loyalty: “I’m sorry?  Yeah well can I bathe now?  Please?  This is awkward.”

42Death: “Oh cut the llamashit!  You know as well as I do that you aren’t sorry that he’s dead!”

I’m sorry?  You talking to me?

43Death: “Yes, I’m talking to you!  You think I’m here because he’s dead, that’s true, but I’m not the true death here!  You are!”

44Death: “With your whole boohoo routine about, “waaah, I didn’t want Edgardo to die, I liked Edgardo, I wish Jealousy didn’t have to kill him for her LTW”, well guess what!”

45Death: “You’re the reason Jealousy’s LTW IS what it IS!  You picked it, so it’s your fault he’s dead, lady!  You’re the real killer here! Not Jealousy, not me, you!”

I think it’s time you went back into your little void of nothingness, Death.  I don’t like it when you guys try to break the fourth wall anyway.

46Anyway, Jealousy ordered a little tombstone for her husband who was “MIA”, and set it outside the “garden shed” in his honor, so that when the family wanted to miss him, there was something still around to represent Edgardo’s presence in the family.

Also, we suddenly have our first gnome, balding Elvis.  Hello.

The Cask Of Amarillo: Part One

1Happiness: “Gyuuuug, brushing my teeth is too complicated.  Keep biting my toothbrush in half with my vampire teeth.  I’m going to skip brushing this morning and maybe Marlena won’t catch me and give me a lecture on tooth health.  Again.”

2Last chapter, Happiness got another daughter out of Marlena, and baby Charity got nothing in her nursery.  Not that I didn’t care, or am tired of setting up their own rooms, which, believe me, I am but that’s not the point.  The family went broke, and I don’t remember why.  Charity is lucky there was a crib to recycle, because she almost had to sleep on the floor for a while, and I probably wouldn’t have cared.

3Brave: “I will help… and sleep on the floor myself…”

Betel: “That’s not helping, you little shit.  I am so glad you aren’t the one that wets the bed.  I don’t feel like dragging out the mop.”

Ophaniel: “Mephie, get in here quick!  One of the ghosts decided not to go back in their grave again!  We need you in here to scare them off, please.”

4Jealousy: “Stop lagging around and get to school.  Education is first and you have the best grades in this house, making you the smartest of the kids around here.  And trust me, you needed something to go right for you.”

Anger: “It would have been nice if you let me grab a Hot Pocket on the way out, but fine, I’m outie.”

5Jealousy: “No, wait!”

Anger: “Oh, what is it?”

6Jealousy: “LATE TO SCHOOL YOU LITTLE SHIT, IT’S 9:30 AND YOU ARE SO WORTHLESS, GO MOP THE ATTIC AND MAKE YOURSELF USEFUL AROUND HERE”

Anger: “But I thought I was doing right by going to school like you asked!”

7Wrath: “Hey, I wasn’t going to school fast enough either, mother!   Does that mean I have to clean stuff too?!”

8Jealousy: “LIKE HELL YOU WILL, MAKE YOURSELF GO VACUUM THE BACKYARD BECAUSE ALL YOU HAVE IS A C- IN SCHOOL, AND LIKE THAT’S EVER GOING TO GET ANY BETTER”

I would love if scolding could be cancellable in the next patch or something.

9Anger: “My grandmother would never yell at me like that!  I would be in school by now and not be in trouble!  Grandmother never even talked to me a whole lot.  That’s why I miss her so much.”

Oh go cry about it somewhere else.

10Jealousy: “I went to the school to drop off a couple of batches of my famous Russian Roulette Cookies (that means that one out of the hundred I dropped off has a lethal amount of Raid in it) and look.  Happiness’ daughter is a bigger slack-off than my own children.  At least they work while out of school.”

Last I checked, Anger was eating spoiled food out of the fridge, but if you think it’s better, then sure.

11Taxi driver: “Wow, must be foggy out today.  Better turn on my windshield wipers.”

Jealousy: “When my husband’s life insurance policy kicks in, the first thing I’m getting is my own car.”

12Happiness: “Meghan, every day I come to give you a sing-a-gram because you “had a good workout” or something.  You are my biggest fan, and because I trust you so much, can you do me a favor… and let me drink your blood?  I’m getting pretty hungry right now and if you don’t mind…”

Meghan: “Aw, I don’t mind at all!  Go on ahead, and drink if you need to.  Use my bad arm, it’s kinda locked in place anyway, so have at it.”

13Meghan: “Ick, no fangs, ew, stop!”

Happiness: “Meghan, it would be a lot easier on both of us if you didn’t jerk your arm out of my mouth!”

14Meghan: “Hm, strange, that didn’t help.  My arm is still locked into place.  I was kinda hoping your bite would fix my problem.  Maybe I’m thinking of bee stings, maybe that’s what’s supposed to help me, not vampire bites.”

Happiness: “Yeah, that wasn’t for your arm anyway, but thanks for the blood!”

15Loyalty: *Starts to twerk*

Edgardo, Jealousy, and even Marlena: *doesn’t even notice, or care, probably just the latter part*

16Vampire Marlena clone, yawn, but she’s now a Kleptomaniac.  Not really a good trait, but whatever.

Loyalty: “I steal from the rich and give to the poor.  Right now we are poor.  I’m giving to my family.  Ok, fine, I’m giving to me.  I’m poor.”

Betel: “Damn I miss my body building days.  I was one strong, tough bitch.”

17Marlena: “Yes, my daughter is so beautiful.  The spitting image of her mother.  I love being a mother.  Goodness, I love my children.”

Aldo: “Apparently your children are the only children you love.  By the way, I’m going to need an eye patch now.  Expect angry letters from my parents and my hospital bills in the mail.”

18Oh Happiness.  We spend six or seven chapters getting her to marry your ass, and now you want to be slutty.  What would your mother say.  Just because you are middle aged, doesn’t mean you need to be looking around at other options, you know better than that.

19Happiness: “I’m NOT having a mid life crisis!  We’ve been over this!  I’ll never ever ever ever ever have one, maybe one day in six millenia, but NOT RIGHT NOW!  And also, I do love my wife!  Marlena is the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me in the history of anything involving love!  But lately, it’s just… I don’t really want her to return my effections right now.  She just… always smells like pee.”

Sitting in a rocking chair for a week straight will do that to an idiot.

Happiness: “It’s just a harmless little flirt, just a little fan service for a fan maybe, just something, to know that someone out there still thinks I’m young, handsome, I’m NOT going through a crisis, NO!”

Just go pillow fight with Jaime and shut up.

20Happiness: “Wow, Jaime, TWO face clones of your ex-wife, congratulations.”

Jaime: “You are definetely NOT one to talk, Happiness.”

21And then they took it to the bedroom for a little pillow talk.

Happiness: “I let my pillow do the talking, take THAT, buddy!”

Jaime: “My pillow shall defeat yours in the throws of combat, Happiness!”

Happiness: “A-ha!  We will see about that!”

22Happiness: “Oh hackeysacks, I can’t believe I’m even still thinking about this!  Ok, I can do this, let’s just do this real quick, get this out of my system, and move on…”

Jaime: “Still thinking about what?”

23Happiness: “Eh Jaime, you, er, has anyone, uh, has anyone told y… I think you look very, uh, handsome today…”

Jaime: “Wow, that was really nice of you to say, Happiness.  Real nice.  Even Fancy didn’t say that to me before.”

Happiness: “Well, yeah, she was crazy.  Anyway, that’s all I wanted to say to you, that’s all! *Proceeds to fill wish queue up with wishes like “See Brave make an A in school” and “See Loyalty make an A in school” and other long-term wishes to clog up the queue, I can’t even make that up*”

24Karrie: “Wow dad, that’s uber gay.”

Jaime: “Well at least he appreciates me.  That’s more than what your mother ever did for me.”

Happiness: “Oh well I better go to bed.  My bed!  Back at my house!  I have a wife!  I’M NOT GOING THROUGH A CRISIS I SWEAR”

25Happiness: “PLEASE don’t call and tell my wife!  It was a moment of weakness, I couldn’t stop it!  Your dad is a really nice man, and a nice father, and your mother is a beautiful woman and my wife is still the love of my life, please keep this between us and it will never happen again!”

26Karrie: “Why should I, whore?”

Happiness: “I’ll do anything, please!  Keep this flirt between you, me, and your father!”

Karrie: “I’ll think about it… if you give me a makeover that keeps me from looking like a drowned rat.”

27Happiness: “T-there you go!  Spiffy, stylish, and queen of the school!  Now w-will you keep this between us?”

Karrie: “I guess I could let this slide.  Now leave.”

Happiness: “Yay!”

28Back at the house, I realized something.  I absolutely adore Edgardo more than I should.  He doesn’t do much, and he can kinda suck, but he’s been an absolute doll to have around the house.  I know Jealousy’s LTW requires him to die, but I don’t really want him to go.

But according to his life bar, he’s only got a week or so before his elder birthday, and I’d hate to have his looks just go to waste in the void of elderhood…

29Jealousy: “I guess the time is now.  Betel, prepare the trash can.”

Betel: “Already ten steps ahead of you.  Setting in three weeks of potpourri in the bin as we speak.”

30Jealousy: “Edgardo, this is hard for me to say, but we have a major problem.  I love my family, I love them with all my heart, but my cousin that lives with us… he, oh *Sniff* I noticed lately that he’s been acting differently, and Edgardo!  My cousin is now a vampire!”

Edgardo: “Oh no!  For reals?!”

Jealousy: “Yes! (You blind moron.)  He is a monster of the night!”

31Jealousy: “And worse than that, I have caught him feeding off his little wife of his.”

Edgardo: “Well that’s fine I suppose.  If he’s just feeding off of her.  Drain all that energy out of her, keep her from following me around, making weird comments about my butt… maybe it’s a good thing after all?”

Jealousy: “Ah, well, no!  I know he’s probably come off as a vampire that will just feast off that Marlena thing, but she won’t last forever!  Then after Marlena, who will he come after?!  Our children, possibly!  Maybe even me!  Your beautiful little wife, in danger of being ravished by a bloodthirsty vampire!  We can’t have that, Edgardo!  We must band together, and come up with a plot, to take my cousin out.  I don’t want to!  I love my dear mother’s sister’s son… thing.  But for the sake of family, will you help me “humanly euthanize” Happiness?”

32Edgardo: “For our family, for our children and of course for you, I will be happy to help you kill your cousin, love!”

Jealousy: “That’s just great!  Thank you so much, Edgardo, because I already started on a plan last night!  Follow me!”

33Jealousy: “(For fuck’s sake Edgardo.  I told you to follow me.  Why the hell did it take you all night to cross the back yard to where I was standing?!)”

Edgardo: “Thanks for inviting me to jump on the trampoline with you Jealou-oh, what’s this?  Oh THAT’S right, the plan for killing Happiness!  Is this… it?  The… thing… for the plan?”

Jealousy: “Yes, I slaved all night to build this thing (no thanks to you).  Now please.  Follow me inside, will you?”

34Edgardo: “Not bad down here!  Very cool down here.  Very secure, I can’t ever see a vampire escape from here.”

Jealousy: “I designed it so NOTHING could ever escape from here.  My handiwork is no joke, love.”

35Jealousy: “Here’s the plan.  I’m going to sacrifice myself as the scapegoat target for Happiness.  A dangerous role in this, I know, but I must.  For the sake of our family.  I will lure him down here, having him think he will have me alone for a feast.  You will hide down here until I come back with him, and get him on this altar.  When I give the signal, you jump out and stab him in the heart with a steak.”

Edgardo: “Sounds like a fantastic plan!  It’s the perfect crime!  And best part, we get a neat little basement out of this!  We can later use this for a wine cellar, or even a game basement, that would be cool!”

Jealousy: “Yeah sure whatever, now, here’s the thing, I’m going to seal this basement off until I return, you know, to keep the kids and that idiot Marlena from getting curious and wondering down here, getting in the way.  No matter what you do, no matter how long it takes, don’t call for anyone.  Don’t let anyone know that it’s you down here.  No one comes to this portion of the backyard, but just to be safe, you can’t make any sound while you’re hidden here.”

36Jealousy: “This is the greatest thing we have ever done for our children, you know that?  This sacrifice… I and our children will benefit from this for years.  You know, with Happiness no longer stalking us and stuff.  Your daughter will praise her brave father for years to come.”

37Jealousy: “And your son!  Oh, your son has an amazing father to look up to.  His role model and hero!  He will sing this song of victory to our grandchildren and pass down the legend of his father, the Vampire Slayer, for many generations.”

Edgardo: “Our children are fantastic, and I’m so happy to make them so proud of me!  I’m so eager to murder this animal, let’s do this!”

38Jealousy: “There’s just one question, Edgardo, and it’s the most important question of all.  Where do you keep your life insurance policy?  Just in case something goes wrong!  Just in case of anything!”

Edgardo: “Why do you always ask me this?!  Every damn day, Jealousy!  It’s by the bed, in the bedside stand dresser!  It’s always there!  I don’t have to remind you so many times!”

Jealousy: “I was just making sure, damn!”

39Jealousy: “I wish us the best of luck.  I really do, Edgardo.  And I’m going to miss you so much.  I really am.  I could just be saying that, but I really do love you, Edgardo.”

40Edgardo: “I love you too, Jealousy!  You don’t have to miss me too long!  It’s not going to take you that long to lure the monster down here, right?”

Jealousy: “…Exactly.”

41And so, Jealousy went back up to the yard, and left Edgardo down below to wait.  And the second she left, he took out his guitar, and started playing the saddest music that he could possibly know, OH GOD WHY DOES HE HAVE TO DIE

42Jealousy: “I told that idiot not to make so much noise.  Ugh, oh well, it’s not like anyone comes out to this corner of the yard ever, it’s just the graveyard and the garden.  No one will ever hear him.”

And then she sealed off the door…

Rocking Chair Drama

I don’t want to admit to how much time I have on my hands these days.  But let’s just say I’m still in dire need of a solid job.  That being said, I have plenty of time between resumes and my dying confidence to play sims.  It’s just been the perfect month for the Fallens.

1Of course everyone saw this coming.  That’s what happens when Jaime has a temper tantrum and cuts all of Fancy’s hair off in her sleep in a fit of rage.  No wonder divorce is imminent with these two.  Such a shame really.

2Marlena: “Happiness, have you seen where we put the dog’s supposito… is that your bathing suit?”

Happiness: “Does it entice you, my love?”

Marlena: “Well, I suppose, but the dog really needs his meds right now…”

3Happiness: “I’ll take care of Ophaniel later.  Come to me, Marlena.  And I’ll show you how a vampire takes care of his woman.”

Marlena: “I can only imagine that you’ll still cry sensitively about it afterwards, but it’s been a while since we had a moment to ourselves.”

4How romantic.

5Mephistopheles: “THE HARVEST HAS BEGUN”

Brave: “Mom, the cat’s trying to stomp through my ribcage again!  Help!”

6Mephistopheles: “Grumble… this one is not ripe yet.  I’ll let you live until another day, child.”

Brave: *Sob* “I bet if I was a vampire, you’d like me and leave me alone!”

7Mephistopheles: “Once the child has been sacrificed, I will bury her heart under the floorboards with the rest of them.”

Eunice: “Happiness, help”

Happiness: “Mephistopheles, have you been playing Gravedigger in the house again?”

8Happiness: “Yes!  The mod works!  No more mole people problems, what a fantastic day!”

Eunice: “Why would you take me out of the floorboards while I look like this?!  I look stupid! I am not happy.”

9Daily Meghan sing-a-gram shot.

Happiness: “So… your husband’s cool?  I don’t need him popping out from behind a tree and shooting at me because I’m singing a diddy to you.”

Meghan: “Oh, you don’t have to worry about my husband bothering you ever again.  After the things I did to him last night, he won’t be saying a word about who I interact with anymore.

I’m talking about wild kinky sex.  He won’t bother anyone anymore after our sex last night.”

Happiness: “So, this is a celebratory sing-a-gram today?”

10Marlena: Wow, I really, really, really have to go use the bathroom.  Ugh, this is so painful…”

Then how about getting out of the rocking chair and going to use the toilet, you dolt.

11Marlena: “Oh no!  I didn’t make it!”

YOU DIDN’T EVEN TRY!

12Marlena: “Oh well, mistakes happen to the best of us.”

Oh yes, go ahead and sit RIGHT BACK DOWN in the rocker with your wet smelly butt.  That helps.

13What do you mean, she was working fine a second ago!  She was sitting right here, at the unrendered play set with Loyalty, playing just fine!  Now I think you just want to go around resetting any sim you want, game.

14Wrath: “What manner of witchcraft is this?!  Three newspapers?  What the hell does the damn bone maid do all day?!”

Betel’s probably due for another restart actually.  I haven’t seen her in two game sessions.

15ARE YOU FUCKING JERKING MY CHAIN, MARLENA

Marlena: “Wow, so beautiful…”

Edgardo: “I’m oddly uncomfortable about this…”

16Brave: “Talk to the hand mother, because the face is not having it.”

I got to admit, she’s got some balls to face off against Marlena with that.  Marlena can be a bit of a crazy bitch…

17Marlena: “What did you just say to me, young lady?!”

18Marlena: “I think that grumpy little attitude of yours needs a major time out!  I will NOT have my daughter acting like some sort of hooligan and telling me to “talk to the hand” when I say it’s time to go to bed!  Start shaping up and go think about what you’ve been doing lately around the house, which is nothing productive!”

(Says the woman who would rather sit in her own piss than walk across a hallway)

19Jealousy: “I’VE NEVER BEEN MORE SAD IN MY WHOLE LIFE!”

Jealousy, calm down.  It’s just a plant.

Jealousy: “I KNEW I SHOULDN’T HAVE PUT IT IN THIS POT, I SHOULD HAVE PLANTED IT ON MY MOTHER’S GRAVE.  OH WHAT A WASTE THIS IS!”

20Eunice: “HOW’S THE THUG LIFE HOMIE”

Marlena: “AAH, Eunice!  You scared the living daylights out of me, don’t do that!  I’m making sure my baby is going in the correct crib, while, well, you know… watching Edgardo do it for me.  Edgardo and his fabulous little tushie.”

Eunice: *GASP* “THINKING ABOUT A MARRIED MAN, I’M TELLING YOUR HUSBAND, THEN I’M TELLING HIS WIFE, AND HIS WIFE IS GOING TO PUT A TRAIN SPIKE THROUGH YOUR wow he does have a nice ass, you weren’t kidding.”

21Oh wow, Happiness.  Third time you rolled this want, and you finally got the right stroller to the right baby.  Wasn’t too big of a deal before, but I’m so so proud of you!

Happiness: “What?  I got the wrong baby?!  Oh Fuddruckers, I do, I thought I was taking Loyalty out instead!   My bad.”

Wrath: “Do you hear me complaining?  Now mush, Shadowfax, and show us the meaning of toothpaste!”

22Oh, that better have been something YOU wanted Marlena.

Marlena: “I think it was.  I just want what’s best for my children, and nothing like going through the first 183 pages of the dictionary every night for a proper education.”

Brave: “Yeah, it’ll put you to sleep, and trust me, if we had the option to ask for stories again, I don’t think I would be asking for this.”

Marlena: “Now you see what happens when you get sassy with me young lady?”

Brave: “Yes mother…”

23The sexy night in swimtrucks resulted in another baby, since I’m still hoping for some genetic mixing.

24Happiness: “Wow, this is such a beautiful little neighborhood, Jaime!  Everything here is so clear and crisp and beautiful!  If I could move my family, I would move them here, because this is so nice *Sparkle sparkle happy*”

Jaime: *Grumbles horrible cuss words under his breath and smokes death everywhere*

Happiness wanted to pillow fight with his BFF5EVA, but whenever he goes looking for Jaime, Jaime’s gotta work, or isn’t in the mood, yeah Jaime, taking your kid to work at 9 in the morning, sure.  I know the break up with Fancy is pretty damn sad, but stop blowing off Happiness so much.

25Well that was only a matter of time.

Jealousy: “The fact that he’s even still alive is frustrating me enough as it is.”

26Jealousy: “Alright, Farmer Tan Terry.  Tell me I’m hot.”

Old guy: “Wow, a little quick on the draw, aren’t you honey?”

27Jealousy: “Ok, that took too long and was unintresting.”

Old guy: *Had already tried to go in for the titty* “Aw come on, baby!  Don’t be like that!”

28Eunice: “What’s going on?  I’m floating, but I don’t get any sparkles?!  Why don’t I get any happy sparkles?!  Where the hell am I going then?!”

Loyalty: “The hell?  The hell!”

Eunice: “Oh shut up, you little parrot.”

29Loyalty: “Yaaay, childhood twama!”

Eunice: “Like you would even know what that is, kid.  I sure hope I’m not the only one home today.”

30Grim: “Whoa whoa whoa, I’m here to take HER soul?!  What the crap man, I was promised by your wife that the next time I came here, it would be for you!”

Edgardo: “Huh?  What are you talking about?  Eunice is the oldest in the family right now, so unless she was gonna live forever, then logically she’s next!  So take her!  I know I’m much older than the others, but I’m not THIS old!”

31Edgardo: “Now why in the world would Jealousy go around telling Death that I’m supposed to be next?  Is she off her rocker?!”

Eunice: *Smacks Edgardo’s organs around on her way out*

RIP Eunice.  You lived the longest out of the founding generation, and just got a promotion for the first time in a hundred years.  Jealousy will probably grow lettuce on you in the yard.

32Congradulations, Jealousy!  Your mom died!  *Party whistles*

Jealousy: “What?!”

33Eunice hadn’t been dead for two minutes and someone’s already calling dibs on her stuff.

Brave: “Mmmm, the bed is still warm…”

Yeah, and it’s also getting deleted right now, so move.

34Anger: “Why did grandma have to die?!  She was the only one that cared about me after mom got those photo booth photos with me.”

Van: “Did you know that it’s fun to randomly show up at other peoples houses after school and not even know anyone there?!  You should try it, Kid That’s Not Even In My Class!”

35Jealousy: “The loss of my mother has hit me hard.  While she was a nonfunctioning dumbass with a fetish for the trampoline in her youth, she was my mother, and I will honor her by fucking up my own outfit in her name.”

I don’t even know how

36I should have paid more attention to the little house visitor.  Four in the morning and I realized that he’s stuck in the portal bedroom having a little playtime on the rolling chair.

Van: “Release the neurotoxin!  I MEAN WAIT, DON’T”

37Marlena: “Oh, crub!  Not again!  I just can’t seem to make it to the little girls room!”

I sure hope it was worth it.

38Marlena: “That puddle is just getting bigger!  I hope it doesn’t ruin any of Wrath’s toys.  I better sit back down and watch it slowly evaporate just to be sure.”

I wonder if she will starve to death in that damn chair.  I sure hope so.  I hope so so bad.

39Jealousy: “Wrath, what the hell happened in here?!  Why does it smell like piss and failure in here?!”

Marlena: “I wonder if I wish really really hard, if this chair will conjure me up a sandwich.”

Oh please just starve there.

40Brave: “Aw, why does my dad have to be in this bathroom when I want to use this particular toilet?!  I didn’t want to see your dangles today, daddy!  Why does life have to be so hard?!”

Happiness: “That’s your fault, sweetie.  There are two other bathrooms that were just finished hardly an hour ago, you could have gone to either of those instead.”

40I noticed this notification because I think Mr. Boots is such a cute name.  What a cute baby!  Mr. Boots. Then I noticed that the owner looks like she would be pretty cute as well.

41Jada: “Can you NOT film me while I’m working out!  I’m so gross right now!”

She is pretty cute, and the best part was, while I was giving her a makeover, I peaked into her personality, and she is evil! This is excites me so much, I haven’t seen an evil sim in this town in AGES!  Every flipping person around this town is good, and there hasn’t been a single one that is evil at all!  This is the greatest thing to happen to me in game in a long time.

42Yeah guys, I think we found our next gen spouse really early.

43Happiness: “Whooooooooa… she’s hot.”

Jada: “You bet your ass I am.”

I think Jada was that popular girl from high school that every school has.

44Happiness: “We like it and we’re gonna put a ring on it~

Jada: “You cannot put a ring on this perfection”

Hah, we’ll see about that…

45I absolutely love this photo of these two so much.

46Marlena: “Hmmmmmm, I wonder where this puddle could have come from!  That so strange!  I better sit in this chair some more and contemplate the answer to this strange riddle.”

That’s IT, this is YOUR fault, Marlena!  I have to delete that chair now just so you will be a functioning person again, AND I LOVED THAT CHAIR.  UGH.

WAY TO RUIN IT FOR EVERYONE ELSE.

47Kindness: “I’m so glad you invited me over today.  I recently had a death in my life, and oh, my sweetie left me a day after we met.  She was the love of my life.  Why oh why… ”

Oh goodie, you can come over and cry the whole time about your dead cougar.  Thanks, Kindness.

48It’s a double birthday this go around, both for Anger and Wrath.

48OH GOD NOT YOU TOO, ENVY

Envy: “Mmm, I see what my sister is talking about…”

Edgardo: “Why me”

49Both the town fairies stopped by to bring us pies, probably trying to prove who is a better pie maker or something.

Jerald: “Why would you even invite this grape?!”

50Marlena: “Wow, did you not even see the bathroom we have up here, Edgardo?  You didn’t have to go make a mess like this, you know!”

I DON’T WHAT TO HEAR IT FROM YOU, MARLENA, EDGARDO IS STUCK IN THE WALL, YOU’RE JUST A STUPID BITCH

51Edgardo: “It was an accident, I didn’t mean it!  Don’t go telling my wife what happened, little music note, I am sorry!”

52Jealousy: “Alright kid.  You ready to grow up out of this bullcrap baby phase of yours?  I am.  I’m tired of kids.  Don’t ever have kids, kid.”

53Anger: “It’s also my birthday as well, everyone.”

Jealousy: “Yep, that’s right, grow up to continue to disappoint me, that’s cool.”

Everyone else at the party: *Literally not giving a shit*

54Everyone else at the party: *Continues to not give a shit*

Jealousy: *Joins them*

55Wrath now has a sense of humor like her mother.  If she’s anything like her mother, she’ll probably rarely use it.

Wrath: “What’s the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?  The wheelchair.”

Maybe she will.  Maybe it’s a bad idea.

Happiness: “I’m about to destroy this pie.  So.  Hard.”

Jerald: “WHAT ABOUT MY PIE?!  WHAT’S WRONG WITH MY PIE?!  WHY WON’T ANYONE EVER EAT MY FAIRY PIE?!”

56Marlena: *Trying very hard to care*

Anger: “Anyone got a dollar to bum?  No?  Uh, I’ll just go back to my little corner then…”

I think he’s a mooch now.  Maybe he’ll make rich friends and get us a lot of money.  I doubt it though.

57Wrath: “What’s it called when two skeletons have sex?  Boning!  …AW, COME ON THAT WAS FUNNY AS SHIT!”

Jaime: “I guess you can say that joke… killed.”

Wrath: “THIS FUCKING SINK DOESN’T RECOGNIZE A GOOD SENSE OF HUMOR IF IT BIT IT ON THE-ooooh, I see what you did, you’re funny, Jaime.  I’ll have to remember that one the next time I have a conversation with the bathtub.”

58Happiness: “Sorry, there’s a line to the bathroom.  Anger’s currently hogging it up to cry in about his dead grandmother.  You and I and the dog are just going to have to wait to use the toilet.”

Jaime: “Oh that’s ok, I’m only in here to use your sink, since your horrid joke telling second cousin broke the kitchen sink with her terrible humor.  I only have one plate though.”

Happiness: “…Yeah, you’re going to have to wait to use our sink too.”

Ophaniel: “Why am I even in here?”

59Jaime: “Jeez, what a hideous mustache on that kid.  Do you think if I held him down, you’d be able to shave that ugly catepiller off his lip?  It’ll probably save his social life down the road if we do so.”

Happiness: “That’s actually not a half bad idea.”

Anger: “I suddenly feel like I’m hunted by unfamiliar vampires…”

Ophaniel: “No seriously guys, I don’t know why I’m in here!  And now I can’t get back out!  Why is life so confusing as a dog?”

60Happiness: “Heeeeeeey Eagle!  I was just thinking about you, despite the fact that we’ve never really met, and for some reason, you’re human again!  I was just wondering, how does someone with terrible facial hair like you go about life the way you do!  I mean, you are the expert on terrible mustaches, I’d like to know because my cousin Anger looks horrible… hello?”

By the way, for the record, while Egret has had three kids so far with her first husband and just recently lost her second husband to death, Eagle has yet to do jack shit with his life.  It’s probably the facial hair.

Marlena: “La dee Da, on my way to put Loyalty to bed, heading towards the correct crib for the first time in my life…”

61Marlena: *Drops toddler* “OH NO, THE CONTRACTIONS ARE STARTING!”

Happiness: “OH NO, MY WIFE LET’S GO TO THE HOSPITAL, WE GOTTA, oh Loyalty, you’re bleeding.  That’s not good.”

62We welcome the third daughter to Happiness and Marlena, this one is named Charity, and hopefully she will be gracious enough to give me the genetic diversity I so crave.  She is a couch potato who loves the outdoors and loves classical music, stu surprise, and green.  Sort of like her older sister, who likes irish green, but it’s a shade darker, which makes a WHOLE WORLD OF DIFFERENCE LET ME TELL YOU

Will she be a mix?  Or will she be another clone and break my heart?  Only next chapter will tell…

63Last but not least, Egret who has recently lost the second husband as recently stated (whom was Marlena’s father btw) she has moved on to her third, and I’m starting to think she has a thing for older men.

Then again, these men might have a weird fascination with Death.  Whatever, I don’t judge.

My Peeves with Clones and Cribs

1Oh snap, son!  You guys missed it!  There was a really bad storm, and suddenly a river hurricane blew the house away!  Yes, river hurricanes are a real thing!  Good thing everyone in the family survived.  They lagged out so hard and so long that they managed to wait out the storm right in the very spot they were standing in!  Good thing that happened!  Hallelujah for glitches!

But in all seriousness, I found the current layout wasn’t working with the additions of the new children, so the old house was destroyed and a new one was done for the family.

2This house is, as always with me, not really completed, as the budget ran dry right up in the end here.  So no yard work or stuff yet, but a quick tour is in order.

3Upon entering the house, there is a living room right of the door, and a staircase straddled between two bedrooms, one being Brave’s and the other being Anger’s, which we will see later.

4Across from the front door, is the kitchen and dining area, which is still really under construction, but I think Betel’s happy with the current furnishings.  Seems really chipper over there about the counter space.

5There are two back doors, one leading to a patio with the trampoline, and Ophaniel’s toy ball.  Out the other back door, is where everyone is buried, and it’s also where Jealousy has a couple of plants growing for a couple of her wishes for such.

6Upstairs, there is a weird 8-shaped hallway, where most of the bedrooms are.  Other than that, there isn’t a lot up here at the moment.

7Loyalty’s bedroom is the one closest to the staircase, and it’s themed just for her, as all the bedrooms are for their respective persons.  Here it is pictured with Marlena and WRONG BABY MARLENA, GOD

8Next door is Wrath’s bedroom, ALSO PICTURED WITH THE WRONG BABY IN IT

I COULD CHEW THROUGH A PHONEBOOK, THIS FRUSTRATES ME MORE THAN IT SHOULD

9Nothing about Happiness’ and Marlena’s bedroom changed much, just where it is now, and the shape of the room.

10Same with Jealousy’s and Edgardo’s bedroom, which is right through the wall from the other.

11Eunice has a small little room in front of the second floor balcony, which she has access to, and also, for some reason, locking doors doesn’t work on the second floor?  Why?  If I lock it just for Eunice, for example, it bars everyone from entering.  What a pain in the dick.  So much for keeping moochers out of grandma’s rocking chair.

Edgardo: “Like I give a rat’s ass.”

12Back downstairs, Brave’s bedroom is at the foot of the staircase, AS SEEN WITH LOYALTY IN IT

WRONG

FUCKING

*THROWS ROCKS*

13Next door is Anger’s bedroom, seen with no one in it.  And maybe it’s for the best.  This way my brain doesn’t explode from the pressure of being so heated over a simple pet peeve of sims using the wrong beds and cribs for everything.

14Halfway through the tour, however, I realized that I was so concerned with making sure everyone had their own little bedroom and an easy pathway to navigate to it, I had forgotten the most important feature any good house should have.

I FORGOT ALL THE BATHROOMS

I had left little areas for them and such, enough for at least 3 and a half, but I forgot doors, toilets, and tubs. This tub is the only one I saved from the old house, but no one can use it, because all that’s in the budget is $11, and I can’t even get a door.

Maybe the family won’t be too pissed to have to travel all the way to the gym in town or somewhere to use a toilet for the next day or so.

15After completion of the house, a SimFest happened downtown, and thinking maybe there is a money prize (I don’t remember if there is or not) I sent Happiness out on a mission.

Scott: “Oooooh YEAH!  Lookit’ dis little filly bend it like a wet dream!  I vote for her, I VOTE FOR HER!”

16Happiness: “Hello, local pop sensation and musical star Happiness here!  I was wondering if you would let me perform for your event, as I am very popular and skilled!  Trust me, I’m better than Mrs. Slinkie Spine here, whom according to her attire, is currently on a lunchbreak from her accounting job.”

Lief: “Why, I’ve never had someone come up to me and claim to have so much talent and fame!  I would love for you to join us this morning, Mr. Fallen, sir!”

17Lief: “Let’s give it up for Bend It Like Bootycall!  Wow, what a talent, she is.  Next up, we have local music legend, Happiness, performing such hits for us this evening, such as Ice Ice Baby, and the Wop song, all with just his vocal talents and half a crushed harmonica!”

Happiness: “Ah yes, the roar of the crowd, the flying water bottles smacking me in the face, it’s been so long since I had viewers!”

18Bootycall: “Wow, I never saw someone clear out a crowd as fast as he did.  I figured Scott was just humoring me, but the second this guy got in stage, it’s like he evaporated.”

Leif: “Yeah, that’s pretty damn scary when you think about it…”

19Suddenly Bootycall vanished into thin air as well, and with that, the SimFest was over.  Not so much as over as it forced Happiness to reset himself off stage.

Happiness: “So um… since I no longer have any competition for this, does this mean I automatically win the event?”

Leif: “Well, no.  With no competition, there’s no contest, therefore you are just forced to forfeit an event that didn’t really happen, I suppose.”

Happiness: “Well, shitake mushrooms!”

20Happiness was so upset for wasting his whole morning like that, that he went home and threw himself out of a first story window.

Happiness: “Actually I am stuck.”

Brave: “I’ll be honest, I’m happy to at least be in the right crib this time, daddy.”

21Marlena: “Oh NO!  I’m leaking red!  Am I dying??!  I’m DYING!  Happiness, HELP ME!  And DON’T COME RUNNING IN HERE WITH A STRAW!  I DON’T THINK IT’S BLOOD!”

Why is it every time I have to deal with you, Marlena, you are screwing up on me?

22Kristoffer.  KRISTOFFER??  Are you SERIOUS? KRIST.OFFER.

I don’t like this woman.

23Ophaniel: “Oh wow, Edgardo!  I didn’t know you were working from home from now on!”

Edgardo: “Oh no, I still work at the theater!  Why do you ask?”

Because that oddly does not look like where you should be working, Edgardo.  But you know.  Whatever.

24Happiness: “Oh don’t mind me, just taking my little girl out for an afternoon stroll”

*Crashes hard into trashcan*

Loyalty: “Hey, daddy, this isn’t MARIO KART” *Flies out of seat and into the street*

25Poor Jealousy’s birthday happened in the front yard, and now she’s an adult, she’s probably going to have a midlife crisis, which if it “doesn’t happen” for a few thousand millennia, I’m still gonna be up in arms about it.

26Ophaniel: “Wow, absolutely beautiful.  Just like you walked out of high school.”

Mephistopheles: “Yeah, you can hardly tell that you slid two 11.9 pound babies out of that slip-n-slide!  Good job on maintaining that youth!”

Jealousy: “Yeah, well, I can already feel my face sagging into little wrinkles and I just don’t have the energy to do as much torment in the world as I used to, UGH, GETTING OLD SUCKS, I HAVE ACCOMPLISHED NOTHING WITH MY LIFE” *Mid life crisises all over the front yard*

27Betel has been annoying me recently.  When the children cry, she’s the first one to greet them.  However, she does not help them with what they need, she doesn’t even come to complain about them crying.  She just… stands.

Betel: “Stop.  Stop time ok, stop.  Yeah, just quiet yourself or something.  You know.”

Loyalty: “YOU REALLY ARE NOT HELPING ME”

28Jealousy doesn’t really help sometimes either.

Jealousy: “I’m going to stick this in my mother’s hair for giving this to my child in the first place!  She trying to kill my babies?!”

Eunice: *No care*29Liam: “Just doing our nightly check ups!  Hello Jealousy!  Taking care of the family still, right?  What are you doing right now?”

Jealousy: “I’m using your corpse for fertilizer, and growing mushrooms on your grave!  You make an excellent fertilizer, you know that?  Absolutely perfect for fungus!”

Liam: “I, uh, well at, um, at least I’m helping, I suppose…”

30The day before she was going to finally start her job as a ghost hunter, Jealousy wanted to quit her job.  Go figure.

Jealousy: “Yeah, take that job and shove it, I come up with a better solution for the dead!  They make great garden material!  I’ve been growing crops and produce off the cadavers of my dead relatives for the past week, and it’s been going great!  So I’m going to be doing that from now on!  Hello?”

31Eunice: “I wonder where that smell is coming from?  Is it you?  Or is it me??  I better take another good whiff of this to make sure.”

Betel: “Just here because it was crying again.  Just here.  That’s all.”

32I’m glad grandma is attentive and gives a shit.

Edgardo: “Hm, someone should do something about the baby.”

Eunice: “I know, maybe it could be her good-for-nothing father!”

Edgardo: “Hm, nah.”

33Ophaniel: “Alright!  I’ve gained the power of flight!  You know, while I’m up here, I should probably change the old battery in the fire detector.”

34Wrath grew up a floor baby, because I have officially gotten to that point this generation where I just stopped caring where this happens now.

35She does look a lot like her mother right now, but she actually has her father’s eyes and mouth.  Which makes me happy, because if I got another clone, I was going to scream.  Actually I did scream.  Then I ran into the kitchen for a comfort snack.  I came back and checked this kid again, and felt like a doofus, but I was a doofus with a piece of cake, I can tell you that.

36Mephistopheles: “Hey doofus, kid’s passed out in the floor.  Mommy’s first dissappointment.  Better take a photo of that and hang it on the wall.”

Jealousy: “That’s just fan-fucking-tastic.”

37Anger: “WAY TO SCREW IT UP FOR EVERYONE ELSE, WRATH”

Jealousy: “Whooooa, where the hell did you come from, you’ve been missing for days”

38Angela: “Absolutely love my family.  They are doing so well.  So well in fact that I may never leave this chair again.”

Please leave the chair.

39Wrath: “Oh Amon.  You seem to be the only one that understands me, and loves me, and cares about me.  I swear, as long as I love you, you will always be at my side, best friend.”

40Jealousy: “Alright you little twirp.  It’s TIME.”

Anger: “Um… time for what??”

41Jealousy: “Now, finally we can get back to living our lives.”

Amon: “Do you think we are ever going to see our families again?”

Unnamed IF Number 3: “Er, let’s just say we’re not going to have a happy Toy Story ending.”

42With those IF’s gone, kids can FINALLY do something else besides ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.  Even if they are playing with toys that don’t do anything for their development, at least it’s not an IF.

Speaking of, what the hell is Brave playing with here?  Never have I seen the albino Sully toy before.  That’s cute as hell.

43

Jealousy: “Can you say ‘shallow grave’?  Say ‘Daddy’s shallow grave’ for mommy!  What do you think daddy’s grave’s going to have in it?  Daddy!  And possibly some vegetable seeds!”

44Jealousy: “Yeah.  I’m going to plant a tomato on that bitch.”

45Mephistopheles: “AID ME, MY OPHANIEL, AND FIGHT FOR ME, IN THE NAME OF THE BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT”

Ophaniel: “Dude, it’s just a fly.  It’s not going to hurt you.”

Mephistopheles: “BUT I want it dead…”

46Anger: “CAN SOMEONE SHUT THAT KID UP?!  I don’t know what I was doing before this little kid started screaming, but I can’t do it in peace!  So SHUT IT!”

I’m starting to think Anger hides in the walls, and only comes out to get mad at the babies when they are upset.  He’s like a little wall gremlin.

47Wrath: “Daddy’s inshwence pawicly!”

Jealousy: “Yay, baby’s first sentence!  I am just the best mother ever.”

48Time for Meghan’s daily Sing-a-gram.

Meghan: “Thanks so much, Happiness.  I know it almost didn’t get done, but I didn’t know if you came all the way out here or not.”

49Happiness: “Yeah, about that.  Why the heckle are you all the way on the top of a mountain again?”

50Jerald: “WHAT’CHU THINK YOU’RE DOING TALKING TO MY WIFE, YOU BASTARD?!”

Happiness: “AHH, WHY IS THIS HAPPENING, CALL HIM OFF, MEGHAN”

Meghan: “I’m going to need a shovel, my foot’s stuck in the dirt here again :\”

51Jerald: “Yeah, you better hop in your little fancy limo and drive off, bitch.  I’ll stab you, talking to my wife.  Humph!”

Old Guy: “Now that’s gangsta.”

52Happiness: “Aw, it’s too late!  Brave’s going to grow up in a few hours from now, and I haven’t even finished teaching her two of her skills!  I’m such a bad parent!”

Well you better start working on those skills if you want to make it, Happiness.

53Jealousy: “I finished my baby’s skills early!  Weee!  Best!  Mother!  EVER!”

Wrath: “Yaaay!”

54Then she steals her kid’s candy for fun.  However, this is still more interaction with her children than what Marlena does with hers.

55Nope, didn’t make the skill deadline, Happiness.  Birthday for Brave.

Happiness: “At least I’m still cool.  Nope, no crisis here.  I’m good.”

56Loyalty had a birthday at the exact same time as well.

Loyalty: “At least you care, Wrath.”

Wrath: “You kidding?!  Me care, I don’t even want to be in this room right now.”

57Guess what?  GUESS!  GUESS DAMMIT.  She is a clone of Marlena.  YAAAAAAAAY!  YAAAAAAAY!

I’M GOING TO FLIP THIS TABLE

58Brave grew up a night owl by the way.  And yes, she is adorable as always.  BUT

She’s a clone of Happiness.

AND DID YOU KNOW THAT FOUR IN FIVE SIM CHILDREN BORN WILL BE BORN CLONES OF THEIR PARENTS?

BUT WITH A SMALL DONATION OF $19.99 A MONTH, YOU CAN HELP THESE CHILDREN OF UNFORTUNATE CONDITIONS

JUST DIAL 1-800-I-COULD-CHOKE-A-DOLPHIN-IN-MY-RAGE

Not in Five Million Years

1Ophaniel: “Edgardo asked me to dig a large hole in the backyard for you, I don’t know why.  But I can’t really dig a six foot hole, so is this good enough for you.”

Eunice: “UGH, I’m going to kill that bastard.”

Since last chapter, Eunice is still going around naked, which isn’t a pleasant sight to anyone.  I tried to avoid her for most of my photo taking opportunities, since no one wants to see old woman nipples.

2Happiness: “Since that delicious dish of stu surprise Jealousy made for us last night, I’ve been wanting to learn how to make it too!  I’ve been up all night trying to get this plate done, what do you think, Betel?”

Betel: “I think if you make another mess in the kitchen, I’m going to lay down in the floor in front of you and mess up your path on purpose.”

Happiness: “Aw, don’t be that way.”

3Jealousy is with child again, and ever since her new found pregnancy, all she’s been wanting to do is to eat various dishes, most of which she had already stockpiled in the fridge.

Jealousy: “Nothing like cookies, cobbler with watermelon, sushi rolls, and then cookies again back to back.  Thank my great metabolism, because these cravings would kill me otherwise.”

Eunice: *Butt cheeks flapping in the air vent current*

4Happiness: “Oh no, what’s this?  It can’t be my birthday already!”

Adriana: “As long as this isn’t tacked onto my sing-a-gram bill, congradulations!  Woot!”

5Sigh, you could almost hear the static electric charge pop as his hair stood straight up.

6Happiness: “I… I can’t believe it!  I’m already halfway through my life, and I haven’t even accomplished stardom yet!  How can I make my family proud if I’m just some aging hipster musician?!  No, I can’t let this happen!”

And so Happiness started a mid life crisis, which is just absolutely fantastic.  Maybe it will be super mild like Evalin’s was?

7Happiness: “Check me out!  I’m with “it”!  I’m down with the cool cats!  I’m trendy and chic!  Don’t you think I’m still a cool pop star?” *Hair pops back up with charge*

Adriana: “On second thought, just mail me the bill for the sing-a-gram, and uh, forget about the sing-a-gram.  I’ll pass on this.”

8Happiness: “I said I’m hip, I’m hop/ I’m hippie/I’mma do a hip hip hop and I don’t stop and drop/ Do a bang bang a boogiedoupdopaboogie do a riddauddaboogiedabee~”

Nascar: “I, uh, I don’t think this is what I called in for.  Ya sure don’t look like ur profile in the paper, Mr. Fallen.”

9And then Happiness rolls this, because that’s what we probably don’t need in the family, since I can already see Jealousy getting jealous (hah I maed da joke) and wanting vampirism too.

Nascar: “I’ll say, because since when do people look at ME and want to become a vampire?  What do I look like to yew people?!”

10Fancy.

Fancy, dear.  Fancy.

NO.

11Best part after Edgardo denied a date with her, she instantly gave birth to a baby with Jaime (Cortney?  That’s what you’re gonna name your son, Fancy?  You must have hit your head falling out of a truck lately)  What, was Fancy calling Edgardo from the birthing table or something?

Fancy: “I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO LOVE ME, AND IT’S NOT YOU JAIME, YOU DID THIS TO ME, GRAAAUUUUUGH”

12Jaime: “Sorry it took me so long to meet up with you, Happiness.  My girlfriend was having a baby but she started yelling at me and throwing things at me, and calling other men up to piss me off during labor, so I just left.  What’chu been up to, man?  I haven’t seen you in ages.”

13Happiness: “Dude, I need you to make me into a vampire!  I need to hold on to the last remaining days of my youth, and I just don’t want to turn into my parents!  You know, dead, and constantly up in our business at all hours of the night!  Please, help me, Jaime!”

Jaime: “Dude, I don’t know.  Being a vampire is a pretty big deal you know.”

14Jaime: “You probably shouldn’t be a vampire, heck, there’s not a whole lot we can do, we can’t do a lot of daytime stuff, and blood does get old after a while, and aren’t you some hot-shot legacy sim?  If you die out in the sun, it’s the end of your line, right?  Do you really want to make that kind of commitment?”

Happiness: “Yeah yeah yeah, just bite me right here on the arm, I don’t mind, I can handle this, I swear!”

15Jaime: “You really are a moron, you know that?”

Happiness: “Woo, you’re the best, man!”

16Obligatory derp face.

17Jaime: “Now, you still have a little bit of time to reconsider before this effect takes place.  Please do me a favor, and think this over.  Talk to your family about what this is going to do to you, and please take the time to prep yourself on this lifestyle, because it’s going to effect your life drastically, just like it effected me…”

18Happiness: “Ah, this is taking too long.  Out pesky moodlet, out!  My youth is ticking away as we speak!”

Jaime: “Aw, I should have known it was pointless to talk to you about this.”

19Happiness: “I feel it!  I feel the power of immortality flowing through me!”

20*POP*

Happiness: “Yaaaaay, now I’m forever cool.”

Wow, I never knew vampirism could actually take away some of a sim’s sex appeal…

21Jealousy: “Meanwhile, I’ve moved from the kitchen to the park.  I’m so glad I got to eat salad here.  Now I get to go home and eat more cookies.”

Who would guess pregnancy makes you less interesting, Jealousy.

22Alright, who was the shitty father who let this happen!?

23Marlena: “Honey, you’ve been gone all night, are you alright?  You look a little sickly this morning all of a sudden.”

24Happiness: “Oh that, honey, I’m a vampire now!  Isn’t that cool!  I’m going to be a beautiful young man forever!  Isn’t this neat?!”

25Marlena: “What?!  Oh no, Happiness!  Why would you do this to yourself?!  I expect this kind of behavior from your idiotic cousin, but not you!  Vampires are devils, Happiness, and of all people, you bring this black magic into our house?!  Ophaniel, help!”

26Happiness: “But I will be good vampire, I promise!  A dark avenger of the night, like Batman!”

Marlena: “But what about my new pregnancy, why would you do this to our new baby and our little Brave?”

Happiness: “Look into my eyes, and know, I am good Batman vampire!”

Marlena: “Oh, what, um…. ok, if you say so dear.”

27Edgardo: “Stop screaming, little baby!  I’m here, I’m trying to figure out what you want, but I can’t speak baby!”

Anger: “YOU DUMB SHIT, MAMA TAUGHT ME TO TALK DAYS AGO, YOU CAN FIGURE OUT WHAT I’M SAYING, AND I’M SAYING I’M HUNGRY!  FEED ME!”

Edgardo: “Maybe if I concentrate hard enough, I can decipher exactly what you are trying to say?  Need a nap??”

Jealousy: “This is alright, because Edgardo will be gone soon enough.  I hope.”

28Eunice: “I saved the baby! Now stop screaming about food, because it’s naptime.”

Anger: “Yo, stupid.  This isn’t my crib.  Do you have any idea where you are supposed to put me, woman?!”

Eunice: “Are you kidding, kid?  I don’t even have any idea where I’M at right now.”

29Since Happiness’ vampirization, Mephistopheles took a really deep interest in him, as I guess I expected.

Mephistopheles: “I since a dark power coming from this one.  This is almost as nice as the dark power coming from the other part of the family, but with less games of Kick the Cat.”

30Mephistopheles: “I get it now!  You’re a vampire!  Well bite my willy and call me an incubus, I was wondering where the black magic was coming from!  You bad boy, and here I thought it was going to be Jealousy that brings in the black magic.”

Happiness: “Why does everyone say that?!  I’m like Batman!  I have a great power and I also have great responsibility with it!  That’s from Batman, right?”

Ophaniel: “You sure he’s a vampire?  Darn, and this whole time I was thinking mermaid, and I’ve been looking for a tail.  Wow, I wasted my whole morning on this…”

31Jaime: “Dude, you called?!  You sick or something, I knew it, the vampirism isn’t working out, I knew I should have talked you out of it!”

Happiness: “Nope, just invited you over to make stu surprise, but I think this looks a lot like waffle batter.  What do you think?”

Jaime: “Are you kidding?  And all this time I’ve been worrying about you dying from this shit?  You are giving me a headache, Happiness.”

32He’s actually here for Brave’s birthday party.

Now, where is Brave?

33Why

Brave: “That’s the question I would like to ask my family as well!”

34Jaime: “No one panic, I found the baby!”

That’s great, Jaime.  Because no one was panicking.  Hell, Happiness is still cooking.

35Happiness: “Bad news guys.  The waffle stu surprise batter turned out to be goopy carbonara.  I hope you don’t mind.”

Meghan: “I have bad news too!  My husband that I just wed is now dead!  Oh Christoff!  We finally found happiness with each other and then you had to leave me!  Oh my dear Christoff, why?!”

Betel: “You are going to be like this the whole party, aren’t you.”

36And then, uh, Happiness, are you still going through that midlife crisis thing?

Happiness: “What, me?!  No!  Never!  I’m a vampire now, I’m young forever, and I would NEVER have a crisis! Nope, not me!  Not in a million years!  5 million years to be exact!”

I see.

37Jealousy: “Yeah well, after your moodlet decided to spaz the hell out, the world has been catching and freezing up on us.  I’m killing it, whether or not it’s the source of the problem.”

Happiness: “It’s not going to go away because there is no problem!  Not with me anyway, my life is great!  No crisis here!  Yep, totally me!”

Jaime: “Dude, just let the lady kill that moodlet.  I’d like to leave this room sometime soon, you know.”

The moodlet didn’t go away, and the party locked up, but time kept going.

38So Brave was forced to grow up at 8 without a cake.

Jealousy: “Good job dumbass, your crisis bullshit probably killed this party.”

Happiness: “What are you yelling at me about?!  This party isn’t dying, and neither am I!  Because I don’t have a crisis!  For gumdrops sake, Jealousy!  Besides, my daughter is fine with that!  She’s going to be happy to have such a young and youthful looking father!  Yep, that she is!”

39AW, she’s not a redhead *Is suddenly very disinterested and unemotional towards child*

Brave: *Frozen due to laggy lag*

40Meghan: “Oh Christoff!  My Christoff!  My “better than that last fiance of mine” Christoff!  My “not a prick dick” Christoff!”

Envy: “Isn’t it fantasic!  Marriage is wonderful, I recently got engaged too, to someone who is better than my last relationship and isn’t a “prick dick” either!  I love her!  And best part is, I didn’t pick an old person, so me and my wife will be around for much longer than yours!  I make the best decisions!”

Meghan: “WAAAH!”

Betel: “See, I told you you are going to be like this the whole party.”

41Edgardo: “Whew, so much for that party, I’m tuckered out from not doing anything.  Better take out the ole’ glass eye and try to get some sleep.”

42Edgardo: *Pops out eye like a tiddlywink chip*

Well that’s appealing.

43Jealousy: “I think it’s time you and your glass eye go in for the “long nap”.  Goodbye, Edgardo.”

Jealousy, if you are trying to smother him with the pillow, you aren’t doing it right.

Jealousy: “Smother?  That’s what weak, bitch wives do to get rid of husbands!  I’m trying to break his neck!”

Edgardo: “Why you do thing???”

44Jealousy: “His neck proved to be beefier than first expected.  Ah well, back to the drawing board.  Here Anger, I want you and your cousin to fight to the death for my amusement.  Winner gets a Warhead.”

Brave: *Apparently in the same spot she was left in*

45Jealousy: “Oh shit, scratch that, you two are just going to have to go fight later!  I’m in labor!  Dammit, Edgardo better not leave me behind this time!”

Anger: “I DON’T WANT TO SEE THIS MOTHER, THAT’S SO GROSS!”

Brave: *Still nothing*

46Happiness made it to the hospital herself (screw Edgardo), and then, of course…

47Mephistopheles: “We don’t know how it happened.  We can’t say for sure we were there or not.  But me and Ophaniel are pinning this all on you Edgardo, so congratulations on the destroyed stove, man.”

Edgardo: *Unmanly crying*

48Angela: “So how are things today, son?  Taking care of the family?”

Eunice: “GET YOUR SICK ECTOPLASMIC HANDS OFF MY ASS, YOU STUPID GHOST BITCH”

Happiness: “NOT RIGHT NOW, MOM!  WE FIGHTING A FIRE RIGHT NOW, CAN’T YOU SEE THAT?!”

Evalin: “So this is what I left back on Earth.  Good to know I’m not missing anything.”

49Betel: *Secretive evil giggling*

I think I know who really started the fire here.

50Jealousy: “In case anyone here actually gives a damn, unlike Edgardo does apparently, I had a baby.”

Edgardo: “Dammit, that was today?!”

Baby Wrath joins the family, and she is an insane virtuoso, which means she’ll probably go around singing shit songs at inappropriate times.  Her favorites include autumn salad and latin (and now I think the Chacarron Macarron is going to be her favorite song to sing at those inappropriate times) and her favorite color is yellow, just like daddy.

51It’s nice to see Meghan moved on, extremely fast, and married again, this time to the town fairy.

Meghan: “How’s THIS for a lasting marriage, Envy?!”

52Envy married the town’s witch, whom has moved in with him in his little candy cottage in the woods.

Georgina: “I now have a nacking to eat small lost children.”

Envy: “And this is why I love you.”

53Happiness: “Ready for your daily dose of Happiness, Meghan?!”

Meghan: “Eh, I guess so.  It’s just not the same with you looking like…”

Happiness: “Hot?  Hip and hot, that’s what you are about to say, right?”

Meghan: “Eh, I don’t know, I got a hot young husband now, so I guess you just don’t do it for me anymore Happiness…”

Happiness: “…”

54Because Happiness’ career and life revolve him being out in the daylight, I can’t afford to lose him to some stupid sunlight, considering how afraid I am that he will get stuck somewhere and bake to death thanks to some freezing glitch.  So I gave him the Immortal reward, and now, uh, he sparkles.

Happiness: “Now I really WILL be a hit with the ladies!  I’m the best kind of vampire there is now!  Right!?  RIGHT?!”

Meghan: “And I thought my husband was the town fairy…”

55A quick little birthday for Anger, since a lot of sims on the lot don’t help the slowness.

Jealousy: “Let’s go you little mini me.  Time for some cake!  And aging too, sure whatever.”

56With Jealousy maxing out all his toddler traits, Anger got to grow up to be an animal lover.

Anger: “I hate every damn person in this house.  Except for the pets.  No matter how evil I am, pets don’t deserve ill will towards them.”

Edgardo: “UUUUgh, that was corny as shit.”

Anger: “Did I mention I hate every damn person in this house?”

57Now that there is a child in the house again, I suddenly remember that some of my mods are out of the game for patch reasons, so I tried to improvise until I reinstalled the bedtime story mod, and hid all the books in the house in the family inventory.  At least it was a shot.

Anger: “Got some Fahrenheit 451 shit going on here, huh?  We’ll see about that.”

58I guess Anger’s animal lover trait couldn’t save Evalin’s pet pigeon, because Imp died soon after.

Imp: “Don’t… feed me… to the cat…”

59Jealousy: “YES!  I finally have the photos I wanted ever since you were a baby!  This is fantastic!”

Anger: “Can I please now own my own bed, mother?”

60Jealousy: “Now your usefulness is up, Anger!  I have prepped you and raised you, almost singlehandedly, for this day, and now, I no longer require anything from you!”

Anger: “But I’m still getting my own bed?  Right?  Humph, I better.”

61Marlena: *Muffled screaming and labor pains*

62Happiness was out doing some sing-a-gram runs for people under the sidewalk, so I guess Marlena’s just stuck having a bathroom baby by herself.

Marlena: “MY HUSBAND IS A BIG POO POO PANTS, UUUGH”

63Marlena: “The beautiful magic of childbirth!”

Yeah, I’m sure.

64Marlena: “Why does my baby look so anemic?  She’s not sick is she?”

No, apparently she’s a vampire like her father.

Marlena: “How, I was pregnant before my husband went off the deep end and became stupid!”

I don’t know.  But Loyalty is an insane genius, making her the best kind of genius there is, and her favorites include irish green, goopy carbonara, and indie music.

65Anger: “Dad, I require a bed.  I also require a bedtime story, just because we don’t have books, doesn’t mean I don’t want a fucking story.   So make this work, chop chop!”

Edgardo: “Oh ok.”

66Edgardo: “Ok, I don’t know where or how I pulled a book out of my ass, but the kid is sleeping in his grandmother’s bed.  At least Eunice is good for something after all I suppose.”

Yeah, but I’m not putting up with this.  This chapter ends as this is when I gotta put in the mod.  So until next time, more children and more ISBI weirdness.  Later.