Archive | January 2015

Slowly Learning to do Things

1Julian: “It is time!  I finally become a man and leave the safety of my bathroom room forever!”

Cynthia: *Tries to escape getting roped into a distracting and annoying cheery animation loop and fails*

2Julian: “I thought I was supposed to grow a coat to help me survive the upcoming harsh winters.”

Cynthia: “JOHN!  Is that you?  I thought you died in a pile of garbage and IFs over at the junkyard years ago!”

3Julian finally left and instantly became a professional scuba diver, despite there not being any diving spots in Hidden Springs.  Sinking under the ground via glitches doesn’t count, but I don’t care, he’s not my problem anymore.

4Wrath: “Yes it is, since it can’t see the difference of living on the street where it belongs and living on our couch.”

Well, after I reset him, it won’t make a difference.  Goodbye Julian.  Don’t come back.

5Baal: “My fleas are holding a Marde Gras in my fur!”

6Baal: “Woo, what a party.  The festival has aged me horribly, but it was well worth it.  I’m going to go lay down and rest my weary old bones, and hope my eyeballs heal correctly.”

7Peace: “It’s so nice to no longer be carrying that mysterious baby weight I had.  As much as I miss my child, I missed holding you in my arms just as much.”

Cynthia: “And I missed this too.  Too bad we can’t go any further than this right now because of my deep seeded anger I still have towards you for accusing me of cheating.”

Forgiveness means going back to a FULL GREEN RELATIONSHIP BAR CYNTHIA, don’t make this difficult!

8Baal: “Marlena’s hungry.  She’s been bitching about it for a few hours.”

Jada: “Hopefully it will kill her, please let it happen.”

9Wrath: *Attempts to inform Jada on why her daughter was sent away to a shitty school, preferably while telling her a shitty joke, but eats her out instead*

Jada: “But this isn’t the way I wanted this to go down”

10Jada: “Your reasons of sending our stupid kid away are stupid and pointless.  Get ready for a titty down-town ground-pound.”

Wrath: “I thought I would be rewarded for sending the little hell spawn away!  This isn’t the a-tit-ention I wanted.”

11Wrath: “My wife may have given me breast cancer downstairs.  I will now take my anger out on this old bag.”

Happiness: “PLEASE NO, I STILL HAVE TO ACCOUNT HER AS MY WIFE ON MY TAXES, WRATH”

12Wrath: “No worries!  I’m out of bees, but I bought a new weather gun with my LTW points as a replacement!  Who’s ready to build a snowman?!”

Marlena: “NO, PLEASE DON’T, FROZEN REFERENCES WERE SUPPOSED TO BE LEFT BACK IN 2014!!”

13Hm.  The only thing the weather gun does is add a temporary cloud of weather.  I was kinda hoping it was automatically freeze them solid or over heat them or give them a sunburn or frost bite.  Not the torture device I thought it was.

Marlena: “EASY FOR YOU TO SAY, YOU AREN’T TRYING TO AVOID A CHILL BY RUNNING AWAY ON YOUR 120~ YEAR OLD HIPS!”

I don’t even remember how old she is anymore.  Too old.  Please leave the plane of existence already, Marlena.

14Jada: “EW.  The new baby in this house is fucking disgusting.”

That’s not a baby.  That’s a dead cat.

Jada: “I can’t tell the difference.”

15Peace: “Haha I see the local bakery has dropped by its weekly delivery!  Who’s the cakes for this time?”

Cruelty: “Who do you think they are for, you old coot?!”

16Cake: *Candles light up in Peace’s presence*

Peace: “Well darn.”

Jada: “I don’t want to hear it, he’s just becoming an adult.  Boo hoo, mid life crisis already and come rub ointment on my old joints for fuck’s sake.”

17Cynthia: “Okie dokie!  Now that my husband has run off crying about his wasted youth, along with whatever other string of events he’s always tearing up over, it’s time for our precious little princess’s big moment!”

Wrath: *Contemplates just stabbing Cynthia in the eye with the fork but then how would she eat with a nasty bloody fork, they only give sims one fork to materialize out of thin air for the rest of their lives, it would be unsanitary*

18Aaand Justice’s absolutely precious as hell.  And a great mix of genetic material too!  I almost NEVER see that in this legacy.  Although I still would like to know how two blonde parents keep pumping out black haired children.

19Do my eyes deceive me?? Wrath and Marlena… CIVIL with each other?!  Within arm’s reach of each other!

Marlena: “The lack of bees have made her safe to be around for the time being.  And I’ve also gone partially deaf in my old age, so I no longer hear her cruddy bad jokes anymore.”

20Wrath: “What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?  ‘We better get some support before someone thinks we’re nuts!'”

I am starting to think you’ve lost your mind altogether.

21Same to you!  Although you’re no longer the heir, Happiness.  I’m afraid I can’t help you.  You waited too late for me to do anything about that.

Happiness: “This ‘forever’ thing is taking forever though.”

22Peace: “Oh, the bed here is still warm where me and Cynthia were just cuddling… Oh sweet Cynthia… please actually forgive me for accusing you of slander and let me take my pants off with you again…”

Someone really just needs to focus on his kids and career right now and stop being a whiny little leg-losing baby.

23Peace: “And just spending time with my youngest… SNIFF… I should be weening two precious sweethearts right now.  I can’t, I just can’t…”

Justice: “Does he have to hopelessly sob during snack time?  Like, every single time?”

I’m afraid so.

24Baal: “I’m so desperate for food that I’ve resorted to these corpse berries in the graveyard.  Mmm, just a face full of HARAGBWLJEKGJAD *insta pukes*”

I knew to be weary of horses eating the garden, but I didn’t figure the dogs would be up in them either.

25Wrath: “And if you close your eyes, does it almost feel like that bitch hadn’t fainted at all?”

Cruelty: “We can’t just ignore it, mom.  She’s a public disgrace of our name.”

26Wrath: “How the fuck did I get out here?  I don’t work out.”

The fact that she’s doing something other than loafing around in the spot I left her in when I went to check on Peace is shocking.  Like, WOW, they are DOING stuff!

And Serenity, where are you going??

27Serenity: “RETURN TO THE TREES AND PROSPER, BELOVED WOODLAND SPIRITS” *inhales the leaf gunk*

Holy shit, WHY are you people doing things?!  You people NEVER do things on your own!

28Cynthia: “Haha, didn’t you hear, Serenity?  We really love to do things, we do all kinds of things when the computer lady isn’t watching.  We just love screwing with her head.”

Ugh, that sounds about right.

29Marlena: “Hee hee, see?  Even I do things frequently!  Instead of standing in the hallway for hours on end, I’ve decided to… stand out in the playground for hours on end!  Hah, I’m so witty!”

I hate you.

30Wrath: *Continues to absorb Jada’s face*

Jada: “And here I thought I would get no action in my old age.”

Baal: “I’m not even going to look.”

31Ahh, yes.  There’s nothing like painting the midnight sky.  Especially when said sky is fused with the lake and destroys the balance of life on earth, along with any perspective points Peace was painting.  May we all suffer little in the upcoming falling sky apocolypse.

32Peace: “She was right here… She wasn’t away from me for two minutes, and then she was gone forever… They could have at least took me to court for a custody hearing, I mean, aliens have equal rights laws, right?  Sniff sniff sob…”

Justice: “As much as I love you, dad, I want mom to come take care of me from now on.  Alright?”

33Justice: “Speaking of mom, Holy Shia Labeouf!  She’s still doing things!  It’s about time someone noticed that putt putt mat.”

Cynthia: “You know, you talk a lot for a baby that hasn’t even started learning to talk yet.  It’s really killing my focus.”

Justice: “Yeah I can tell.  You aren’t even using any of the balls.”

Peace: “Why are rocks constantly spawning on our patio?  Are we using migratory rock bait to lure them onto our property or something?”

34Marlena: “I’m still doing stuff too!  I’ve moved from the playground to the workshop shower!  I’ve been here all night!  Never tell me I’m not a busybody!”

Wrath: “I’m actually running out of serious patience and witty jokes in these situations.”

35Wrath: “Hey look.  I found more bees.”

Marlena: “WHY DO WE EVEN KEEP BEE HOUSES SINCE THIS IS ALL THEY ARE USED FOR”

36I feel like this is one of those “I hate kids”-“But you were a kid once” kind of arguments.

Marlena: “I heard he’s going through a mid life crisis and is taking it out on himself pretty hard.  That or he got into a fight with a flat screen tv.  Either way it’s a shame they called me to do something about it.  I really would hate to have to leave my spot in the hallway and let it get cold while I deal with other people’s life issues.”

37Wrath: “How do you get a baby in a mailbox?  With a stamp!”

Cruelty: “Oh fuck.  She found where we hid her shitty joke books.”

Along with a phonebook because it’s time to throw a party!

38It’s a Halloween party, so you can tell how late this chapter was supposed to be posted.

Alien Chief Gordon Ramsey: “Wow, that is the most accurate Shrek costume I’ve ever seen!”

Florida Man: “I’m… not even in costume…”

39Cruelty: “Well someone is going to have to change.”

Cynthia: “And as the elder, I don’t have to!  Haha, yaay, it’s so much fun to be an adult, finally!”

Cruelty: “Bullshit.”

40Wrath: “Hey, twiddlefuck.  Wearing your work uniform to a costume party is NOT a costume.  Lazy ass gets 14 bees.”

Cruelty: “And if you change into another damn cheerleader outfit, I’m going to throw more than bees at you.”

41Betsy: “Hey Peace!  It’s been a long time since I’ve last been here!  I have good news for you!  You and mama are going to be grandparents!”

Peace: “Actually it’s only been a couple of days…”

Betsy: “Grandbabies, Peace!  Grandbabies!

42Happiness: “You do know the dance floor is on the other side of the wall, right?”

Alien Idontknowhername: “Wrath invited me to her holloween party because she thought it would be nice for me to finally meet the man that carried one of our recent experiments for 9 months.  He sobbed the second I came in the door.  Wrath thought it was hilarious, but I have to stand back here because every time Peace sees me he bursts out in tears and it’s annoying.”

Wrath: “I like my women like I like my cereal 😉 in small boxes stored in the pantry.”

44Wrath: “Woohooo!  Time to hike up to the bedroom, I’m about to make dick jokes.”

Jada: “Who gave me this costume?  This was a terrible life decision.”

45Florida: “Lamest party ever.”

Loyalty: “I won’t say anything about my family’s party.  But yawns are contagious.  And more fun.  Yawn with us Cruelty.”

Cruelty: “I should have gone to the school with my sister and avoided this hell.”

46

Brave: *Shows up 4 hours late with no Starbucks*

Peace: “She wasn’t even invited.  Definitely still not invited if she’s going to wear the same thing I did.”

Baal: *breaks neck in feeble attempt to leave*

47Cynthia: “MY FLOOR!  HOW ON EARTH CAN ONE SMELLY HIPPIE ZOMBIE MAKE THIS MUCH MOISTURE IN ONE MINUTE”

Happiness: “I may have contributed to the puddle.  You don’t know.  There is no proof of it.”

48Brave: “Party was shit.  Bye mom.”

Happiness: “Thanks for at least stopping by and leaking all over the floor, dear.  Don’t call us, we’ll call you.”

Cynthia: “And since it was your child, you people get to mop up tonight.  Ugh.  My clean floors.  It hadn’t even been clean for one whole day…”

49Happiness: “Now this is what I’m talking about!  Winter is finally in the air, and everything is covered in a beautiful layer of icy crystal.  Everything is so beautiful when it glitters.  Just like me!”

50Cynthia: “Look, Peace!  I still know how to do stuff!  Learning how to do things is fun!”

Peace: “If only my child could learn to go to the bathroom instead of playing games in the backyard though.  I’m going to close my eyes and pretend she didn’t just pee all over the patio.

Maybe they’ll still be moving around and doing things the next time I get back to these guys.  Who knows.  I’m so used to broken games I wouldn’t be surprised if they all stand collectively in one spot and do nothing for the rest of their lives the next time I open this game.

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