Archive | August 2015

In Hysterics

1 Justice: “Death is sad.”

Hold on.  Something more important is going on across town.  I need to look at this Florida spawn instead.2 Wow.  Did you try to kiss a bee, kid?

Justine: “Help me, my upper lip doesn’t really look attached.”

You’ll grow into it, probably.3 Peace: “Yeah really, no one is sad about my mother dying, I’m going to kill this lie the game says that I’m “feeling” and go back to washing the dishes, ok?”

Last chapter involved a couple of birthdays, and the most awaited death since Bella Secksie.  Marlena finally passed away after Nascar ripped her liver out through her vagina.  He will have a parade in his honor downtown every year on this day from now on.5 Also Jada wasn’t in the last chapter at all, and that’s probably why she’s been beheaded by sleep in this one.

Maybe it was best if she just stayed out of the chapters if this is all she’s gonna do.6

Peace: “-And then the evil queen perished after being dragged down the street in a spiked barrel by all the kings’ horses, the princess finally lived happily ever after.”

Serenity: “That was such a good ending to grandmother’s autobiography.”

Peace: “That was The Goose Girl, honey.  It’s a fairy tale.”

Serenity: “Close enough in all honesty.”

Since we are in the room of the deceased, where is Marlena’s loving widower.7 Happiness: “I refuse to go home because I can’t make any money there.”

You can’t make any money if you freeze to the ground either.8 Peace: “Dad, I called you home like three hours ago, where were you?”

Happiness: “Sorry but look who I brought home with me!  Jaime hasn’t been to visit in forever so he tagged along!”

Peace: “Dad he was here literally 4 hours ago.”9 Jaime: “Wow, they were right, you DID inherit that magnificent six pack from your father.”

Peace: “Please Mr. Vampire, get your fingers out of my navel.”10 That’s right, Jealousy.  You weren’t alive when we got seasons were you.  Are you, er, enjoying it so far?

Jealousy: “I just built a second igloo and am now working on my vicious snowman army.  What the hell do you think?”11 Evalin: “Haha, you are so unimportant Angela that they didn’t even bother taking a picture of you this chapter!”

Jada: “Yeah, tell her like it is, spooky ghost lady!”

Wrath: “Like grandmother like wife.  I married the right woman <3”

12 Jaime: “HURRY UP AND FINISH THIS SCULPTURE ALREADY.  STANDING HERE IS TIRING AND EXHAUSTING!”

Peace: “I have literally just started working on the sculpture.  It’s not my fault it took you all night to make your way back here to post for me.”13 God in the distance: “I hereby declare this gay bar to be extra extra gay.”

Peace: “Wassat”

14 A blizzard rainbow!  I feel like this is super rare.  Maybe not in the sims, but maybe.15 Jaime’s statue was finished and plopped down in the front yard to welcome guests for the remainder of the winter season.

Happiness: “Apparently I’ve been standing out here since last night.  Hm.”

Not my problem.
16 I realized I never gave Wrath her family tattoo, and it’s really late in her generation to do so, but I went ahead and put it on her.  I meant to put it on Peace if he hadn’t had one yet, (he may already have one.  On his thigh??) but I got distracted and forgot to check so I’ll have to check later.17 I didn’t want to disturb this sweet family moment.

Happiness: “Marlena never wanted to do things like this with me in all the years I have known her!  This is so exciting!”

Peace: “That’s because mom’s idea of adventure and thrill is moving three spaces left into the living room maybe once a week.”18 Peace: “Officially done being a single father.  Okay Cynthia!  I’m over my mid life crisis!  We can stop pretending we signed the real divorce papers!  Cynthia?”19Peace: “There’s my darling waifu!  I’m gonna completely ignore why you are dressed like that and present with you the Flowers of Apology, in the hopes that you will forgive me and come back to me in marriage!”

Cynthia: “Oh Peace!  They are beautiful!  They make me kinda regret throwing my wedding ring into the lake!”20 Peace: “Do not worry about that dear!  Because I dove down into the bottom of the lake and risked myself to return it to you!  Because that’s how much I love you!  Also this is a family heirloom from my grandmother, and dad’d kill me if we lost it.”

Cynthia: “Well in that case, drop another $4 grand on a vow renewal ceremony and I’m all yours, Peace!”

I love it when things work out.21 I see you’re still wandering around through the woods.  Need me to call someone?  Maybe an ambulance??

Arwing: *Sorrowful moose calls*22 Arwing: “I accidentally absorbed my Rick while we were making violent love right here in the snow 😦 😦 :(”

Jesus Christ, RIP Rick.23Peace: “To celebrate our future vow renewal, we are all going on a family trip to the mountains!”

Happiness: “In the middle of the night?  In a snowstorm??  With the kids stuffed in the trunk???”

Cynthia: “It was a good idea at the time…”
24 Well at least one of the children.  Serenity would rather stare at wall than go on a family outing.

Serenity: “What can I say, the ripples in this wall art is mesmerizing!”25 Actually she’s probably better off than her sister.

Justice: “Did they really just run on ahead of me and leave me alone on the side of a cold frozen mountain in the dark?  Is this some kind of training hidden as a game because I’m not sure…”26 Cynthia: “To be honest, my husband’s too spry for his ideas of a good time and I get pretty tired during his outings most of the time.”

Peace: “OH GOD GUYS THERE’S A WATERFALL STILL FALLING OVER HERE”27Besides the waterfall, there’s a unicorn somewhere not far from where the Fallens are.  Somewhere in that rock.
28 Unicorn: “Am I dead yet?”

Considering how deeply wedged you are in that boulder, yeah, probably.29 Mad skating skills you got there, Happiness.

Happiness: “What can I say, I’m a natural pro.”
30 Justice: “Mommy, why is grandpa a cheating blur?”

Cynthia: “Because his idiot wife rubbed off on him and he ended up inheriting her crazy.”31 Peace: “If we hold hands and stay in the middle of the pond, dad will create a wind tunnel that will gently push us along and we won’t have to skate!”

Justice: “GRANDPA STOP, I’M NOT ABLE TO SKATE IN THESE WIND CONDITIONS”32 Cynthia: “What was that about a gentle breeze, Peace?!”

Peace: “DAD I BLAME YOU.”

So much for a happy outing.33 Happiness, they left.

Happiness: “I can’t stop ;-; I’m not in control of my own free will.”
34 Happiness: “Correction.  I can’t control my own free will very well.”

Well you better learn to teleport home somehow on your own then.35 Wrath: “The only reason I invited you for my kid’s birthday party was because you saved us from Marlena stealing all of our oxygen and space.  Also because I wanted a party for my kid and I need friends.  You are the closest thing we have.”
36 Nascar: “I’m apparently the only closest thing you have to a friend.”

Wrath: “Just shut up and eat this cake when I’m done with it.”37 Heh.

Look at that.

Another

FUCKING

CLONE

Puck

HOW MANY WRATH/JEALOUSY CLONES DO I HAVE TO WADE THROUGH TO PLEASE YOU, JADA’S DNA??!?!?

38 Peace: “Congrats to me!  I finally finished my LTW!  Now that that’s out of the way, I can provide my services to be a better family man for my wife and daughters.”

NOT RIGHT NOW PEACE I’M FUCKING ANGRY AT GENETICS39 Wrath: “Wow doesn’t the time fly, feels just like yesterday it was Hysteria’s birthday and now it’s her birthday again!”

Nascar: “That’s illogical as it was just 3 minutes ago.”

I’m childifying her and dumping her off in boarding school!  I’m not wasting my time raising another Wrath.  JADA!  Get your ass in the photobooth and the back yard and TAKE THE PANTS OFF.  We’re starting over again!40 Jada: “NOPE.  You’ve had long enough time to scrape together your little heir out of me, and I’m not gonna stick around here to deal with anymore.  No more spaghetti children, no more boarding school, no nothing.”

REALLY41 Betsy: “Oh that’s gonna infuriate some people.”

Hysteria: “Mummy why”

JADA GET BACK HERE YOU BITCH

42NO HYSTERIA

HOW DARE YOU THINK YOU’RE GETTING THE HEIRSHIP WITH YOUR INSTA-EVILNESS

YOU GET THE CHEAPEST BOARDING SCHOOL THEY HAVE
43 Nascar: “Whoa, this isn’t my fault this time.”

Wrath: “CYNTHIA!  DO SOMETHING TO SAVE MY BABY MAMA”44 Wrath: “THAT DOES NOTHING FOR ME CYNTHIA”45 Hysteria: “Great party lol later”

Jada: “There goes my genetic legacy.  Sigh.”

THERE’S NOTHING IN THOSE GENETICS THAT’S YOUR LEGACY YOU EPISODE FILLER46 Serenity: “It’s ok Auntie Jada!  We will be here to mourn for you!”

Justice: “We love you!  And we will miss you taking care of us and looking out for us just like the loving mother you really were deep down inside.”

Jada: “No please, save me from them, Death.”47 Wrath: “NO Jada, please!  Stick your baby gravy in me one last time at least!”

FINE, LEAVE US JADA, LEAVE US LIKE ALL THE OTHER GOOD SIMS HAVE LEFT US BEFORE >;O48 Serenity: “Please take me with you, I’m too sad to carry on”

Justice: “Tired of you pulling this stunt, Serenity.”49 Wrath: “Haha yes, come pick up another one.  I don’t even care if you misplace this one either.”

So Hysteria’s going to boarding school too, at least until I figure out what I’m going to do.  Three “options” and all of them are clones.  By the rules, Hysteria’s instant heiress with her Evil trait, but I also barred clones from inheriting because fuck.

So now I’m thinking…50To end this chapter, here is last but not least for now:

Nascar: “HAHAHA!  Oh man!  That’s gross.”

Jaime: “No way man, get that nasty notification away from me!”

 

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The Hero the Fallens Deserved

1 Behold the beautiful Flatwood Forest of Hidden Springs.  It’s a vacant island that doesn’t have any visitors allowed on it because if you touch the 2D trees, you get a very painful papercut.2 The town is a little boring today, so let’s go on a mountain hike up this giant rock next to the Fallen’s house.  I bet the view up there is fantastic.3 Now that we’re on the summit look at that foggy view.  Sad that such a lovely emerald land has so much smog pollution in the far distance.  At least Hidden Springs can keep its area clean.4 The back of the mountain is a little more ominous.  The highway leads nowhere.  Don’t plan any trips outside of town, it’s almost like the FHA said, “here’s the end of the road, go get lost in the wilderness, get eaten by a bear or something.  Fuck you and your highway taxes.”5 Last chapter, Peace divorced his wife to appease the aliens, and started looking through a telescope to find him.  One logic point later, he’d rather spend money on a lab table and make potions, though.

Wrath: “What does the nerd boy think he’s doing now?  Trying to chemical your way to getting your daughter back?  Hallucinations aren’t the same thing, loser.”6

Wrath: “Hey, don’t you ignore me when I’m making a good jab at you, Peace!  You aren’t allowed to get the better of me just by ignoring me!”7 Wrath: “Whatever.  I’ll just ignore you ignoring me.  See how you like it.”8 Wrath: “Don’t you ignore me ignoring you ignore me!  With you’re one missing texture bald spot in the back of your sad low resolution haircut.  You want to try to show me up in potion making, then so be it!”9 Wrath: “You want a potions competition, you HAVE one massive beatdown coming up!”

Then she forced Jada to carry her alchemy set down from upstairs because forcing a pregnant woman to carry a heavy table makes their children born as genetic clones of their parents.10 Wrath: “And what do you think of THAT?  Perfectly blended bee hive in an old Pepsi bottle.  You can take your science and shove it up your colon, Peace.”11 Peace: “I did it!  It took about 6 hours, I’m about to wee and pass out, but I think I have made a concoction of stinky.  It will only be good to further educate myself on how to make better potions.”

Wrath: “You little shit, not just how you DARE to continue to ignore how better I am at this than you, but spend 80 fucking years mixing sulfur into sewage water and calling it a potion!”12 Wrath: “Fifty bees for your absolute bullshit!”

Peace: “NO PLEASE!  DAD!  GET YOUR MUSIC COLLECTION OUT AND TRY TO SERENADE THESE BEES INTO CALMING DOWN AND BEING NICE!  I DON’T HAVE THE COMPLEXION FOR WELTS!”13 Wrath: “Nerd.  Now that he’s finally gone, I can stand out here and calmly enjoy nature, with that, horrid, wannabe alchemy, lab, table, thing…”14 Wrath: “This thing looks stupid anyway, might as well get a closer look at it’s stupid stupidness.”

You can’t hide your wishes from me, Wrath.15 Wrath: “Ooooh wow-oh!  I created a mood-enhancer!  And I created it so much faster than Peace’s shitty potion!  I’m pretty good at this!”16 Wrath: “Yeah but this science stuff is still wack.  Whatever.”

Whatever you say.17 Cynthia: “Maybe if I dig long enough, I can find a large enough diamond that will pay a way for me to take all my children and go far far away, away from all men, for the rest of my life.”

If only it were so, dear.
18 Cynthia: “Sitting on my leg in the sand box has caused it to fall asleep, but there is some good news!  It’s my birthday!”19 Baal: “I have come to show that I care.”

Cynthia: “That’s better than being alone.”20 Holy shit they are civil to each other.

Wrath: “I forgot she was even alive.”

Marlena: “I forgot I was even alive.”
21 Wrath: “For being alive, two bees.”

Marlena: “DIDN’T YOU PASS BASIC MATH IN SCHOOL, THIS IS MORE THAN TWO BEES”

Wrath: “They brought their own friends over.”22 Wrath: “All the bees musta’ fucked you up real bad this time Marlena.  You turned into an old version of what’s her face.  Peace’s wife.  Uuuuh, Cynthia.”

Cynthia: “That’s because it is ME, Cynthia, you dill pickle.”23Marlena: “I was on my way to get rid of all Wrath’s bees. but I only made it halfway before I decided to stand here in this one spot for 3 hours.”

Serenity: “Come on grandma.  Let’s go inside before frostbite finishes off what’s left of your legs.”
24 They were actually both just standing there being dumbasses, so I made them help Wrath build an igloo so she’d get it over with before she ends up pissing herself with her pregnancy bladder.

Marlena: “Actually I think I’m just gonna stand here and supervise Serenity on her block making skills.  I supervise better than anything else.”

Wrath: “Of course you do.”
25 Wrath: “Yay!  I get to use 3.14 more bees today!”

Marlena: “I DO BELIEVE THIS IS ILLEGAL IN THIS STATE”

26 Wrath: “Ah yes.  The bees were good this year.  A wonderful harvest of honey and violence towards you.  What do you think about that, Marlena?”

Marlena: “I used to pray you’d learn to love one day and find forgiveness but now I’d really wish you’d fall off a fjord.”27

I haven’t watched one of Happiness’ shows in forever.  Luckily the game still makes him go to those things, but I don’t think he goes through with shows anymore unless I watch him at least start it.  I watched him set up this time because of the five people here that bothered to show up.  What a massive turnout!

Happiness: *Fake moonwalks*
28 Lisa: “Oh wow hot stuff!  Yes, I’d let you autograph my tits any day!”

Happiness: “Awww yeah, come give me a hug, baby!”

Your wife isn’t dead yet, Happiness.29 Holy shit, wait a tid bit.

That’s a 5-figure paycheck right there!  I’m gonna have to watch you do your shows more often.30 Good to see you’re still chugging down bloody pipes, Nascar.

Nascar:  “I have access to a lot of them now that I’m in politics.”31 Nascar: “Now I have to watch it and see if it goes all the way down…”

I think I’ve stayed way too long at the show tonight.32 Wrath: “What does a woman and a screen door have in common?  The more you bang them, the looser they get.”

That joke was so bad, the textures left.33 Wrath: “I just wanted to watch the cooking channel :)”

It didn’t want you watching it.34 Wrath: “There.  I fixed it.”

You made it WORSE.35 Wrath: “Fixing the television made me want to fix other things now!  Me and the toilet are gonna smash!”

Please don’t, we finally got it fixed since Cruelty left.36 Wrath: “Too much smashing!  The hammering sensation has scared my fetus and it’s trying to run away.”

Took it long enough.
37Btw you still have a lumpy boob, Wrath.  Really, you should get that checked out.  Or at least buy a better bra.
38 Wrath: “I hold this child up with such high regard because it’s probably the last hope I have for this line.”

Hysteria is her name.  Three girls in a row and no sons, I’m starting to think this will end up as a matriarch line.  She likes roots music, chili con carne, and hot pink.  She’s a loner virtuoso, not winning traits, but I’m really just caring to see her toddler stage already.39 Her bed room is Betel’s old storage room because I can’t care enough right now to give her a full nursery.

Betel’s forgotten ghost: “Well why don’t you just dump her damn crib in Cruelty’s and Agony’s old room!  You aren’t even using that anymore!”

Meeehhh, that’s across the hall, I don’t feel like scrolling over to it.40 Hey look at what I found prancing through the forest at 3 in the morning.

Arwing: “Call the AARP, I’m lost.”41 Rick: “Please.  Don’t let this happen to me.  I’m just standing here.”

Arwing: *Extends tongue for maximum frenching*

Run, Rick.
42 Peace: “I uh, I’m giving up on my fool plan to save my baby.  It’s not working.  So I hope Cynthia can accept my invite to go watch some stars tonight to repair our relationship.”

You’re a master of marriage, Peace.43 Much like your father, what the shit, Happiness.

Happiness: “I think I’m finally tired of the horrid way she’s raised my family, gosh darn it!  Had I known she’d be such a cruddy wife, I wouldn’t have spent so many chapters stealing her away from Envy!  Also, I’d like to tap it with the Lisa woman, so yeah44 Well damn.  45Alien Chick’s Whose Name I Don’t Remember So Honestly Tt Would Be Easier On Me If Aliens Were Given Some Sort Of Anglicized Names For My Weak Little Earthling Speaking Brain To Remember Because I Can’t: “We did get your repeal letter in the mail asking to open your custody case back up, Peace.  It was denied for the 800th time, stop trying to contact us.”

Peace: “You come in here, on the day of my daughter’s birthday, while I hold a hammer and chisel in my hands”46 Brave: “Why would you keep inviting her in here then?”

Peace: “I don’t know a lot of people, I needed guests for my party.  Hey Briana, haven’t seen you in months and months!  How have you been doing.”

Betsy: “I’m Betsy… Briana’s my sister, remember.”

Peace: “Didn’t you just hear me, it’s been months and months.”47 Charity: “Congradulations on the birthday of my neice!  To commemorate, I brought a loaf of, um, something, time to dig in!”

Nascar: “And I brought the crushed up remains of whatever I found in the grinder at work.  Mostly meat.  Not sure of what, but it’s edible probably.”48 Loaf: “No mommy don’t put me down on the nasty table!  You can’t put me down, I refuse to let go!”

Jamie: “What”
49 It took two decades for Peace to get Justice for her birthday, so by the time he located her, the guests had mostly started their way back home.

I’ll give them the slip this time.  There’s a blizzard going on outside, no one wants to stand in that for a baby’s birthday.50 Briana: “I didn’t want to stand inside of Orange!Shrek either.  I have a hundred other things I’d rather do.”

Florida Man: “I’m enjoying myself, honestly.”51Peace: “It’s ok baby, I still love you and care.”

Jamie: “I’m enjoying the party from the living room, woo.”
52 Marlena: “What… what are you doing!  You’ve ripped out my liver!  I needed that to live!”

NASCAR

NASCAR THANK YOU SO MUCH53 Marlena: “WHOA, you’re… traveling a little far down don’t you think?!”54 Marlena: “WhoooOOAAAAaaah, only my husband and gyno should be touching on that!!”

NASCAR, no wait don’t do that ew55 Wrath: “Excuse me, Pastey.  I was promised front row center to this event for years now.  Move.”

Nascar: “Why did I have to be frozen to this exact spot at this exact time.”56 Cynthia: “Happy birthday baby!  The universe has given you the greatest birthday present ever!  The death of your crappy grandmother!”

Peace: “I couldn’t think of a better present.”57 Wrath: “This isn’t fair, I wanted to be the one that killed her.”

Nascar: “I’m the hero the Fallens deserved, but not the one they needed.”

Jaime: “No, trust me when I say we needed you sooner.”58 Wrath: “Really I don’t care.  I’d rather watch the spaghetti child grow up now.”

Fair enough.  Don’t RIP Marlena.  Don’t come back to visit.  I don’t need a ghost standing all night in the hallway for the rest of eternity.59 Peace: “Ah finally.  Now we can all sit and eat at the dinner table like a family without mom wheezing in the background near the bathroom.”

Cynthia: “It is really nice, even though we are missing a member of our family sitting here right now.  I wonder where she is.”

Peace: “;-; she’s in spac-”

Cynthia: “NOT THE ALIEN CHILD, PEACE.”60Serenity: “I don’t know why I’m out where I am at the moment, but I better hurry home before the road completely severs itself from the world and falls into the void.”