Archive | May 2016

Genetic Explosions

1Of course she is.2Does this look like the military school I sent you too, you little shit?! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY YARD AND OUT OF MY LIFE, JEEZ3Wrath: *Mourns over all the sexist jokes that could have been*

To recap, last time we had little Hysteria grow up into a colossal disappointment, as I am growing accustomed to, coming from the evil side of the family and all.  But she was so much of a genetic fuck up that Jada up and died of shock, ending any future children Wrath was going to have, because the game’s just too fucking slow for her to start over.

Then after some series of shitty events, the game shut down, I shut down, and I only bothered to try again when my internet died last week.
4Peace: “Dad I’m so proud of you.  Napping on the sofa instead of passing out on the floor like a common pleb.  For that I reward you with a little beta wave pick-me-up.”

In the future I might invest in a Motive Mobile, but I know no one in the house would even use it.  They won’t even use the cars in their inventory, they keep calling taxis.  But it would be nice for future mass motive failures.5Peace: “I got invited to a party of some sorts.  I invited my cousin along for the ride.”

Wrath: “Keep telling yourself that, fucko.  I invited myself because I need someone to try my new dildo joke on.”
6Oh.  I see it’s this house.

Jaime: “I am now aware that I should have read the invite a little closer.”7Jaime: “Welp.  No way in hell I’m doing this.  Bye.”

Way to leave us to suffer all on our own the second you get here, Jaime.8Peace: “AAAAAAAHHHHHG!  Oh sorry I didn’t mean to scream like a little girl.  I just didn’t think Jaime was telling the truth about the weirdness that was in here.”

Don’t think he has place to judge, seeing as the man gave birth to a green space baby.9Upstairs I see Betsy and Nascar are trapped also invited guests of the Florida Men party.

Nascar: “I wish I took the same door Jaime did when he ran out of the house.  I thought the stairs going to the second floor was a back exit, and Lord have I never been so wrong in my entire life.”10Peace: “If I just close my eyes, and pretend I’m at a family reunion, I can almost block out the sound of constant teeth grinding they are making.”

Wrath: “What’s the difference between a dild-oooh, you know what, I don’t think I want to tell my jokes to these people…”12Arwing: “I found a friend upstairs everyone!  I have absorbed her into my body now, and we are going to be forever one from here on out…”

Betsy: “Please Nascar… Kill me…”

Nascar: “Who’d’ve thunk upstairs would be even worse than down here.  I take what I said earlier back.  This whole house needs to be burned and salted.”13Nascar: “But I’m finally freeee!  I’m getting out of here as fastly as possible!!” *turns on feet jets and ends up going backwards*

It’s good to see that the Beast is still in the game.  I don’t even recall Nascar having it.

Arwing: “No, come back, and join us!”14Arwing: “I SAID COME BACK SEXY METAL HUSBAND”

*tongue flapping in the wind*

Now isn’t that a sight.15I’ll talk shit all I want about Arwing, but the fact that she can keep her pants up over her asscrack (albeit barely) while bent over that far is admirable to say the least.  I wish I knew her secrets.16Thankfully I was taken away from the party when Cruelty returned from whatever boarding school I shipped her off to, and dumped off on the street corner the game keeps dumping them off at.  Welcome back, Cruelty.  You will not be returning home from here.

Cruelty: “Then… where the hell am I going to live.”

I have chosen a perfect home for a dirty little clone such as yourself.17Arwing: “The door brings sacrifices.”

Cruelty: “There is NOTHING I did in life that merits this kind of punishment!!”

Aww, look, Arwing bred.  I look forward to this child exploding on me.18Oh no, that’s not who she was initially set up with…

Florida Man: “Can I help I found my grandson’s baby mama so damn irresistible?  The bear noises she made in the bedroom got me rock hard.”

No.
19Wrath: “Days like this make me miss Jada so much.  She would make merciless fun of that child for being such a failure.”

Glad to see the house hasn’t changed.
21Happiness: “I can’t believe that I made this chair all on my own.  Amazing.  Who knew we all had some free will inside of us all along.”

The house does seem to have a bit more motivation that it used to do.  Especially after Marlena died.  They’re still a little lame, but for some bit, they are more active.

22Don’t you even fucking think about it.23*Enters a cryogenic state*

I’m so glad you’re not heiress, Serenity.24Also it’s nice to see I’m not the only one suffering with like genetics in this town.  All these Fancy Secksie three gen clones make me feel a little better about myself.

Justine: “How am I supposed to differentiate any of these people in this vanilla white ass crowd”

Clone 1: “Sigh, fine, I’ll invest in some glasses and a mustache.”25Vanessa: “I’m the only teacher in the school at the moment because the children would suck the life out of the rest of the fleshies.”

Justine: “Glasses and a mustache?!  What makes you think that’s gonna make a difference?  You still gonna be the same basic first born carbon copy of the last remnants of a forgotten family dynasty, glasses isn’t going to help that.”

Copy: “…Oh.”

Serenity: *Hits snooze*26Brave: “Oh snap crackle and pop!  Who died in the hallway now?!”

Peace: “I’m pretty sure that that is Jada’s corpse in that box, but granted it’s probably mother, since I don’t recall her ever being moved since Justice’s birthday party.”27Serenity: “Which is all well and done, because it is now my birthday!”

Try not to fall asleep on the cake.28Happiness: “Please don’t be sad over the death of the Jada lady, my precious grandchild.  She was a regret that I’m sure Wrath realizes at this point.  And besides, look at me going out of my way to actually socialize with you,  much less console you.  That’s got to mean something to you right?”

Justice: “Why are you touching me with your creepy broken wrists”29Wrath: *Evil maniac giggling*

Oh no, I already know where this is going.30Peace: “WHHHHHHYYYYYY?!!!! WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO MEEEE!”

Foreground Alien Snowman: *Pats the crotch*

Peace: “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO”
31Peace: “No please, not the memories, oh sob, I still miss my sweet child so much”

Alien: “Oh man really, is he actually crying?  Wow ok fine, I won’t pat the crotch.” *Pats the ass*
32Justice: “So, uh, why are you still a child if we had a birthday for you like last night or something?”

Serenity: “Oh that’s easy.  I keep crashing the game while blowing out the candles, so I will be eternally young forever I suppose.”

Justice: “Oh ok.  Cool I guess.”

Yayyyyy, one of those game sessions THAT’S WHAT I NEEDED33Happiness: “I set up a new stage for my new show to entice new watchers.  The theme is Any Where But Here.  Because that’s where I’d rather be right now.”34Pregnant Townie: “I don’t mean to whore the attention away from this ghoul and his show, but I REQUIRE ATTENTION PLS”

Happiness: “Will I NEVER get anybody to watch my shows?!”35*Manages to hold on to a couple of viewers by screaming and crying his eyes out into the microphone*

Lady Onlooker: “Eh, well you’ve seen one pregnant lady in public you’ve seen them all.”

Proprietor: “Yeah lady, you’re scaring off our money with your damn baby, go squat him out elsewhere.”

Prego: “HMPH, fine, I’ll find another lot that will give me the attention I so desperately need!  Bye losers!”36Oh shit I almost forgot this little monster was even still in the house.  Thank you.  Get the hell out of here.

Cynthia: “Ugh finally, now I can finally relax and sleep in peace.  I’m so stressed out and wound up from her being in this house that I’m pretty sure I’m suffering a pulled tendon.”

Pretty sure you’ve pulled more than a tendon.37And it was here, post Serenity’s birthday, that my game completely shut this town down, and I vanished for 8 months to do anything else.  Each time her little teenage ass even so much as came in contact with air, the game died.  I even tried to pack the family up and force them to move into a new town for a whole new start, but the game was like NO

So now we’re back from outer space and back in business I think maybe.  I have finally been allowed back in this town on parole, and even though the computer deleted HALF OF THE FUN LITTLE PHOTOS I TOOK BETWEEN NOW AND THE END OF THIS CHAPTER, it’s good to be back.38We start off with a non-game generated makeover for our little failure here.

Serenity: “I’m cute, so all is forgiven. I even stopped passing out so much!  I mean, you know.  After being in that bed for 8 months, I probably should.”

True.39Justice is still heiress though, well behaved and off on her own, trying to help her father locate the aliens that stole her sister.

Justice: “This monitoring device should pick up the alpha brain waves of any nearby extraterrestrial, so we should soon have a lead on who kidnapped Isabella or Iguanodon or whoever her name was.  I will aid my father on his quest to make our family whole again, but first, I got to get this device to stop picking up on all the horses in the area.”

Good kid.40On a side note, I never realized that Baal had babies with another dog!  And down the line, he became a great-grandpa!

Baal: “YOU CAN’T PROVE THEY’RE MINE”

He must be so proud!41Happiness: “And there you go, little werewolf man!  Your song-a-gram for the day, now if you don’t mind, I rather look at the Freddie Fallen nerd next to you, because apparently he’s my grandchild, and he looks like a dweeb.”42Freddie, Child of Charity no less, is actually a cutie patootie.

Happiness: “Yes, well, my genes are quite powerful, I am aware.”

Charity was mostly Marlena, but whatever floats his boat.
43Happiness: “This grandchild I don’t really want to claim, don’t make me do it.”

Loyalty I had more faith in than Charity, but apparently she’s not faired well on her breeding path, but maybe I’m just being harsh, compared to Freddie.43Speaking of genes, this kid might be a future parent to a generation, so let’s see what kind of child Jodi’s bringing into the household for a visit!44Ice Jaime: “Alright you guys, we have some ground rules in this house you must abide if you are to come into this house.  First rule, wipe your feet at the door.  Second of all, wipe your feet before entering the kitchen.  Third, wipe feet before jumping on trampoline, fourth, wipe ass after sitting on toilet, fifth-”

Jodi: “Why is an inanimate block of ice talking to me”

Oh no, is that yellow on orange I see there…45Rodrigo: “Mommy says I’m her little ray of sunshine.”

Jodi: “More like my little ray of radiation, but he hears what he wants to hear.”45It’s been a while since I plopped the Florida Man in town, but I do not recall him going on the prowl and hitting it up with an older woman and spreading the sauce amongst the general population.  GRANTED that’s what he was put here for, but I didn’t think he was actually successful.46.1He IS currently dating the Arwing Monster though, as recently stated.  I don’t even know if their pregnancy is still a thing, since there were so many crashes in the past, I don’t think it even survived to our current state.  But her current child isn’t his.46.2Tyrone, apparently belongs to Jarrett, like I originally planned for.

Jarrett: *looks miserable for good reason*46.3And then we have Florida Man, his father and brother, apparently has absorbed their mother, the bucket head Florida Man, and is now the father, brother, and mother.  I don’t know what’s going on anymore.

Florida Man: “We are one, we are many”

Jarrett: “I want death.”46Rodrigo: “I thought they had a wack house, but wow.  There’s not even a full set of walls, and it has nothing but a lot of crappy 8-bit art.  I want to go home.”

Jodi: “I wish I could go home without you, but it’s snowing so badly, I’d rather not have the social workers coming to my house asking why I dumped you off in an unwalled house in the middle of the night…”

And there they stood until they got too cold and Jodi was forced to actually take her son home.47And then Tyrone exploded, and I had to go look at this mess.

Tyrone: *Tries to fly away from his icon box with his large Dumbo ears*48AGGHHHH, I mean he beautiful49Sandi: “Why the hell am I here and where the fuck are my pants”

Tyrone: *Takes the cross eyed toddler look to a whole new level*50Happiness: “Please no, don’t put me down next to this thing, I’m getting very uncomfortable”

Tyrone: *Loud vacuum noises*51Wrath: “I suppose I’ll just chunk all these rocks in here at once.  They’re all glitchy and bugging out anyhow.”52Cynthia: “That’s nice.  Do this at 4 in the morning.  We want to put up with it.”

Wrath: “Why is a woman like a busted phone jack?”

Serenity: “You know you keep this up I’m going to start passing out on the floor again.  Fair warning.”53Wrath: “What did the gay sailors say when pulling up to dock at a gay bar?  All hands on dick.”

Why would you even want to bother trying.  54Wrath: “Well first off, Jada is up and about, and I am filled with such love and adoration for my baby maker, that I wanted to rekindle the relationship and start over anew by BREAKING UP WITH YOU, BITCH.  You REALLY just died right here on the floor after finding out our children were all failures, you really left me with a pack of shit on my plate here”

Jada: “What the fuck did you want from me I was like 100 years old”

Wrath was ACTUALLY attempting to break up with Jada to become “reengaged” with her, because you know how it is.  Spouse dies, they can’t get married because some bug or some shit, they have to break up and give them the ring back, yadda yadda yadda, I’ve done this horse and buggy before.55But Jada had none of it, the second Wrath broke up with her, she poofed.  And not the stinky green cloud of ghosty vanishness, she just popped out of existence so hard that I bet you anything she won’t be back.  Hell, I bet you she’s not even in the game any more.  Gooooooo figure.

Cynthia: “Dang.  That was worth getting woken up at 4 in the morning.”

Wrath: “Hold up, hold up.  I’mma write a new epitaph on her grave…”56Wrath: “That’s better.”57But Agony tried to come back to the house, she popped up at the side of the road across town and asked for $800 to go back to school, which I clicked yes to, I wasn’t even willing to put up with her shit.

But before she poofed back into Love and Hippie Academy, I looked at her.  And I realized something.58Wrath: “Hey, you aren’t as cloney as I remember.”

Agony: “I don’t think I ever was?  I was told I was a clone of grandmother but not of you.”

Wrath: “But like, I don’t even think you’re a clone of your grandmother, you seem to have a good bit of Jada splattered all over you.”59Wrath: “If all goes well, I think you will be my heir to the throne.”

Agony: “Dammit, I knew I should have picked up the Good trait while in that stupid school.”60So I guess this is where the chapter ends.  With me realizing that Agony was probably the genetic mix I craved all along, even though I swore up and down she was just a pre-war throwback to Jealousy.  Here I have pasted a picture of her for comparison reference.

Wrath: “Don’t look her in the eyes, Agony.  She can sense your fear and failure.”

Jealousy: “No you little bitches you look me in the face, and you explain to me why my legacy is the shitpile you let it degrade to be!  EXPLAIN!!”61Uh actually lastly, here have this notification of Baal becoming a great-great grandfather!  Congradulations Baal!

Baal: “I WANT A DNA TEST”

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