Hysteria: “Please don’t turn the stove on right now, I’m marinating.”
Last chapter we saw the usual birthday, this time for Avarice. I also added a cat to the household because she wouldn’t leave and she suckerpunched me by giving birth to four more cats for a lovely total of six cats in the house.Pandemic: “Dad wants to spend some alone time with us for once and you bring along a cat?”
Avarice: “I didn’t want him to feel left out…”
Rage: *Chokes on wood*Rage: “Now that the boys are properly drunk and abandoned at the bar, hi I’m Rage and I want frwends
for my career uwu”
Gator: “Oh, you’ve come looking at an odd time sir, we are about to start our weekly Werewolf Rehabilitation Meeting but you’re welcome to sit in on it if you’d like, but we’d have to charge you the visiting fee.”
Josh: “I’M CHARGING MR. GATOR SIR I’M DOING IT”
Gator: “NO JOSH I NOT CHARGING LIKE THAT oh pardon me I’m probably going to have to get an ice pack for his concussion now.”Pandemic: “Dad, Avarice passed out after two shots of tequila can we go home now?”
Rage: “In a minute son. Dad just made friends with a werewolf and now we’re playing fetch with my wand now!”
Pandemic: “Um, how dad? You stopped using your wand yesterday when you learned how to cast magic with your hands. Mr. Gator is literally fetching nothing.”
Rage: “Don’t question me and go stomp on that broken umbrella fairy for me will you? Put it out of it’s misery. I’m getting tired of seeing those stupid things all over town.”Avarice: “Mmmpff POPS! Look. I made annn ughhhh… mmmm orange. I’m a Harry, wizard.”
Pandemic: “Dad it’s not fair. Even drunk he can cast magic and all I know how to do is subpar origami. Why didn’t I inherit your skills as a warlock?!”
Rage: “Uh, I dunno. Just, look. Take my old wand, I don’t use it anymore anyway. If you can get it to do anything for you it’s all yours.”While fetching his old wand out of his inventory, I discover that we can invade lots????
Rage: “WAAAAAAAAAAAAA I’m ordering a cannon off ebay as we speak”Rage: “Oh trust me I know how to install a military grade class A laser onto an interstellar travel class space ship! I’ve seen Orthopox do it all the time!”
I don’t know, Rage. Pretty sure standing IN the wall of the ship isn’t part of the step process.Oh ok. So you’re just going to use magic and cheat your way into installing the cannons to the ship. I see how it is.
Rage: *Really just hot gluing two magnets together to stick the cannon to the ship while I can’t see him*Violet: “Ah, what a lovely day to go prancing around in a PLAYBOY BUNNY COSTUME, wait, what’s that horrifying thing over there?”Rage: “No she’s right, what IS that horrifying thing over there”
Uh, as long as it’s not a game breaking glitch in progress it’s fine???Harley: “What, it’s just me, hanging out with my FRIENDS. Can’t a homie just meld into his collection of people on a Sunday morning and not be judged?”
Rage: “GOD, that’s WORSE than what I’m about to do to this lot”Rage: “Moving on, HOLY SHIT, THE LASER CANNON REALLY WORKS”
Honestly?? I didn’t expect it to do a single thing so DAMNOH GOD THEY RUNNING
Gail: “PLEASE SOMEONE HELP, I DON’T WANT TO DIE”
Canteen worker: “Oh, if we are being attacked, that means I can just go home early, huh?”
LIKE HELL YOU ARE, YOU HAVEN’T WORKED A DAY IN ALMOST HALF A DECADE, GET YOUR ASS BACK TO THAT CONCESSION STANDRage: “HAHA, RUN, RUN AND HIDE LITTLE HUMANS, BWAHAHAH oh shit, I got to call my wife. Happy anniversary honey! I’m working late at the office today I’ll be home soon! Yeah, yeah, I’ll pick up some milk on my way back, love you too~”Gail: “GAH! He’s fried the photo booth! Great. Now how much everyone wants to bet the thing will bug out and not work right from here on out?”Gail: “Oh nevermind. It was me he was aiming at. Ouch that burns.”
The Laser can FRY PEOPLE?! OOOOOH this ship just gets better and better!Rage: “Haha! Yes! Run from me mere mortals! Fear me! Worship me! Oh mother! If only you could just see how evil I am now!”
Aw, he’s having the time of his life right now. I’m so happy he’s found his calling in life.Meanwhile I see you, still, haven’t really gone home have you. AND you’ve managed to dick up your own hot dog outfit. I’m surprised.
Anguish: “Uhhhhh, it’s Uncle Wicked’s fault, yeah that’s it.”
Wicked: “I AIN’T EVEN ANYWHERE NEAR YOU YOU LITTLE SHIT”Awh no, not again.
Not this time, Sabrina. You had your chance last time and you remember what a bumbling failure that date was.Happiness: “Well too bad! You accidentally clicked accept so I’m on my way to get some!”
Please don’t embarrass yourself this time.Happiness: “Oh Sabrina~”
Sabrina: “Oh Happiness, I knew I couldn’t stay away from you forever~! Also, please ignore this random ass wardrobe change, I think I got a new job or something along those lines.”Happiness: “Before we get started on this date, I would just like to say, your giant foreheaded daughter is a total geeb! Can’t believe a dork like her would even think of having a crush on Pandemic for any reason!”
Sabrina: “FUCK YOU HAPPINESS, I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN YOU’D STILL BE A COMPLETE ASSHOLE”Sabrina: “Hey how’s that busted ass GED coming along, since you’re about as uneducated as a pile of cat shit.”
Happiness: “Oh real clever, you know, I HAVE a diploma you know, somewhere in the remains of Hidden Springs. I think.”Happiness: “Alrighty then baby, how about we get to the fun parts?”
Sabrina: “Eh, fuck off, dude. I gave you a second chance, and you blow it and insult me in the first minute of being here? Eat shit. I hope I never rebound and make this mistake ever again.”Happiness: “At least this date wasn’t a total bust. Look! I figured out how the lights work in this place and got them working again finally!
Sabrina: “Should I be concerned that the tattoo chair isn’t in here at all either? The fuck happened to my Ambitions expansion, it’s so half assed installed or something…”Sabrina: “Oh. If you’re on your way back to the house, please let Rage know that Tuberculosis is still abandoned here. He’s been pouting in this dump for two or three decades now I think.”
Rage: “I will totally let him know the next time I remember who Rage even is.”God, of COURSE that date was even worse than the last one. Fuck you Happiness. I will never let you honor that wish towards me. You’re such a chode now.
Sabrina: “I didn’t even do anything to deserve any of that…”Hope: “Trust. Why aren’t you on your way to school. It’s almost ten in the morning.”
Trust: “Um. Trust isn’t here right now! I’m door.”Hope: “Do you think this is some happy go lucky fun party?! TRUST. We have been working our BUTTS off to ensure you get the honor roll in school and you’re FOOLING around for WHAT?! If you even so much as think about touching that slip ‘n slide while playing hooky I will throw that whole thing in the garbage!”
Trust: “Please don’t kill Mr. Slippy! It’s the only thing I have in life that makes me happy!”Hope: “Then go to school.”
Trust: “No. I’m mad now.”
Zoe: “Yep. Should have beat them when they were younger. Here. Take this bowl and smash it over her head for talking to you that way. That’ll teach her.”And of course, Trust spent her day on the fucking slide. During a field trip too. There’s always at least one asshole that skips on a field trip day. I think it’s a requirement at this point.There wasn’t anything real intresting about the field trip (usually isn’t) except for these two fighting outside the
club cemetary at the time.Hey, Muriel? You have no business being SO CUTE.AND? THAT SMOL.
Muriel: “I just wuv’ widdle butterfwy frwends, they fwudder and fwy awound~”
Ugly ass Fridge: “HEEEe”Checking in on you, Anguish. How’s life living at the school playground.
Anguish: “I miss my Empty Monster Can. He could store so many chess pieces up his butt. I try that here and all the other kids just fight me off.”
Um. Right.Trust: “Awh no. A wild cake has appeared in the house! We’ve gone back to that kind of diet again have we?”
Every now and then I feel the need to try to give you a good treat now and then. Even though not everyone gets their own. Just be happy for once, alright?It’s for Anguish anyway. She’s lived in the jungle gym for the past couple of days I think she needs an incentive to come home sometimes.s Anguish: “GO GO GADGET NOODLE”
Jodie: “Hey mom! It’s me, you’re other daughter! Long time no see! Dad told me you burnt up and went straight to hell when I was a baby! But it gives my heart so much joy to know he was wrong!”
Zoe: “Didn’t ask, kid, go away, can’t you see I’m celebrating my child’s birthday?!”And here’s teenage Anguish! She actually looks like a lot of fun, even though she’s still not evil. She is a genius now though, of all things. Lot of geniuses in this generation.
Zoe: “Wow, I’m already back to no longer interested.”
Jodie: “Congradulations, baby sister that I’m just now finding out exists! I’m so happy for you!”Zoe: “And now you can take your happy ass right back out of my house and never contact me again.”
Jodie: “Please someone love me.”
Avarice: “I love you…”
Zoe: “And take his ass with you when you leave!”Tenisha: “Oh that’s great. Two seconds into teenhood and Happiness has to show his ass. I recognize that stance.”Happiness: “Oh you think you’re a genius now huh? Living as a hot dog under in a sandbox behind a school give you some IQ points? Finally bring you up from whatever bracket they label you insane kids as?”
Anguish: “Don’t you have a maid to cry to about getting your dick wet or something?”
Aw, look! Somehow these two are bestest of best friends! I love seeing people get along.Happiness: “Oh and your mom? Total clod. Absolute psycho. No wonder you came out so wrong.”
Rage: “Yes dear.”
Zoe: “Kill him.”
Rage: “With pleasure.”Rage: “You BACK THE HELL OFF of talking to my daughter that way!! And talking about my WIFE like that?! Bitch you’re lucky you even still LIVE here if it were up to just me!”
Anguish: “Dad he was playing that’s how we play with each other lol”
Zoe: “Yassss Rage, throttle him, and when he disembowels you I will finally cash that life policy will I have on you, hehe”Happiness: “Don’t you know how to MIND your BUSINESS, dude? Gosh. None of you un-fun types can take a joke around here.”
Anguish: “Yeah dad you’re embarrassing me. I’m embarrassed.”Rage: “Well… would it at least KILL you to not be so damn inappropriate all the time? We’re getting really sick of your shit around here.”
Anguish: “I’m not.”
Happiness: “Um……….. how about…….”Happiness: “You take it and shove it up your RECTUM! I don’t have to listen to the likes of a wet flabby nosed punk like YOU!”
Rage: “OH YOU LEAVE MY NOSE OUT OF THIS, ASSHOLE”
Anguish: “Heh, I smell like an armpit.”Honestly I’m surprised an in-family fight hadn’t happened sooner.
Ifrit: “So… Zoe and Anguish went to do something else. Do either of you guys want to hang out with me? I could use some cuddles right now.”Happiness: “You HONESTLY thought you could DEFEAT ME?! I MAXED out fitness YEARS ago, and just because I’m skinny don’t mean I can’t lay the whooping out on you, Rage! I defeated your ancestors just as quickly as I defeated you! Good will ALWAYS conquer over evil!”
Rage: “BUT YOU’RE NOT EVEN GOOD, YOU’RE JUST A RAGING ASSHOLE”
To be fair, I knew Rage wouldn’t stand a chance in hell against Happiness. But I like to think I had an inkling of hope for him ;-;Love: “Hey, wouldn’t it be hilarious if WE decided to start dating each other or something?”
Pandemic: “Hmmmm, I’m gonna go on a limb and act like I didn’t hear a word you just said.”
Yes, please go one gen without that, ok?Rage: “Hello I’m here for services?”
Sabrina: “If you’re here for anything less than repairing my tv, I don’t think I require anything of you at 2 in the morning.”
Rage: “Bitch you’re the one that called me in the first place.”Gerald: “So um. What are you here for anyway, Mr. Fallen, sir?”
Rage: “I am here to read your mother’s future, kid, as I am now a famous well reknowned psychic.”
Gerald: “Really now. Because it sure looks like the second you stepped onto this lot, you lined up your queue with a lot of “fire blasting” commands all of a sudden.”
Rage: “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”Rage: “Oh wait, now I know what you’re talking about, kid! Ha ha ha, FOOM”
I just thought he just wanted to get it out of his system.Then the camera had to take me over to Rosalinda, doing… I don’t know. Thinking trashy thoughts in the bed? Yeah maybe I don’t want to know what she’s doing here.OOOOOoooh, I see. Rage is setting her on fire through her window while she has trashy dreams. Because that makes TOTAL SENSE.Sabrina: “Oh for fucks sake, Rosalinda. Don’t go to sleep while you’re clothes are on fire, you’re gonna mess up my bedsheets!”
Rosalinda: “Oops sorry mom. I’ll go burn in the next room if that’s ok with you.”Rosalinda: “TRISTAN PLEASE!! PUT IT OUT PUT IT OUT PUT IT OUT PUT IT OUT PUT IT OUT”
Tristan: “UM UM UM, I’M TRYING I’M TRYING, I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO, I’M SCOOPING THE WATER OUT OF THE TOILET AS FAST AS I CAN BUT IT KEEPS RUNNING THROUGH MY FINGERS”
Rosalinda: “THEN FOR FUCKS SAKE MOVE AND I’LL JUST DUNK MY ASS INTO THE TOILET”Rosalinda: “MOOOOOOOM! TRISTAN BROKE THE TOILET NOW THERE’S NO WATER!! PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY SAVE ME!!”
Sabrina: “Oh my God, can you keep it down in there? I got work in the morning and I’m trying to at least get a nap in…”
Luke: “I came as soon as I was summoned, but you guys seemed to have locked the front door and I can’t come in and help.”
Of course I would, you really think I would leave my doors unlocked while I slept? That’s unsafe.Luke: “Well I googled how to enter a door, and honestly I’m at a loss for this kind of situation. This is the hardest fire I’ve ever had to put out!”
Rosalinda: “I’M LITERALLY STANDING IN FRONT OF YOU DUDE, JUST HOSE ME DOWN FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST ON A CRACKER”Luke: “Oh good, you burned out on your own. Now that’s lucky. Good thing it didn’t spread. Now don’t you just feel silly for panicking over nothing?”
Rosalinda: “Go die somewhere.”
Luke: “That’ll also be a $500 fine since there’s no fire on the lot. Y’all have a good night now.”
Rosalinda: “This is the worst night of my life. I almost died and I just realized I’m standing in front of the shower. My mom was right. I’m so embarassing.”
Sabrina: “El SNORE”Anyway, I go back to find where Rage has wondered off while all this was going on and find him SETTING MY SIM SON ON FIRE NOW
Rage: “Sabrina’s future has SUFFERING in it, bwahahaha!!”
Gerald: “Considering how much she gave a shit about my sister just now, you don’t read mom’s future all that well!”Gerald: “AHH, PAIN AND SHIT” *hits the shower like the smarter Timbley sibling he is*
Rosalinda: *Right back to her trashy dreams in her cooked sooty skin, whatever*Rage: “Now that I’ve fully fried your children and have your attention, can I read your fortune now?”
Sabrina: “Hard pass dude. Now that all the sheets in my house have soot on them, I’m no longer interested in your services at all. Jeez, all your dumb family have done to me lately is insult me, and I’m tired of it.”Sabrina: “But I will say, you sure looking like a snack in that suit~”
Rage: “The HELL is wrong with you, you scorned me, I scorn you, woman, get on with your weird ass.”
Needless to say, Sabrina didn’t get her fortune read today.Back at the house, EvilGenius, whom of which is now named Alastor to go with the rest of the cats and their name scheme, is finally having his birthday!
Happiness: “HAHA, you’re old.”
Alastor: “You’re fucking dumb, you know that dude?”Alastor: “Also fix your tv.”
Ugh, if I remember to.Alastor: “Nice, I fluffed out nicely.”
Krampus: “And good riddance! Now I will be the baby of the family for everyone to coo and caw over!”
Yeah, you and your three other siblings.